Happy (maybe) recession! I can’t wait to spend it binge-watching my favorite action-packed fantasy dramas on prestige cable. And by “prestige cable” I mean HGTV. And by “fantasy” I mean the idea that any millennials will ever be able to own a home.
Luckily everyone’s favorite network for sadness and envy has 8 new shows for recession-addled millennials launching this fall. Check them out!
$ea Level $avers
Have you always wanted to own beach front property, but can’t afford the beach front price tag? Then tune in to $ea Level $avers and watch ordinary families find bargain-priced inland homes that are guaranteed to be waterfront properties by the end of the next decade! Climate change can save you a serious chunk of change, Sundays at 6!
Each week a new charismatic cult leader picks between three fixer-upper compounds. Can they finish renovating the barn in time for the arrival of Jesus and/or the aliens who seeded Earth with life 3,000 years ago? Find out when Marianne Williamson hosts this hit series, Tuesdays at 10!
From the makers of House Hunters comes this exciting new show where one family chooses between three already-occupied homes, then brutally murders the current homeowners and takes their place. Tune in to find out if you’re next: Every Monday at 9!
The Greatest Pools in America
Make a splash with this series that highlights the wettest and wildest ways to waste our precious natural resources. From waterslides to hidden grottos, we’ll show you the most extravagant back yard pools in America, then reveal the LIVE reactions of real refugees when they see what what we’re building instead of adequate housing (shortly before we hand them over to ICE). Thursday afternoons at 2!
Super Property Brothers
The world of “Property Brothers” Drew Scott and Jonathan Scott gets turned upside down when a terrifying monster kidnaps their families and whisks them away to a fortress deep in the heart of the Mushroom Kingdom (which, it turns out, is a subdivision just outside the Dallas/Fort Worth metro area). Tune in to watch Drew and Jonathan navigate lava traps, spinning flamethrowers, and an endless array of monsters as they attempt to redecorate Bowser’s living room and increase the resale value of his aging castle. Saturdays at 7!
Love It Or List It Or Lose It To A Casino
This spinoff puts a fun new twist on the classic Love It Or List It formula, with one expert renovating the contestant’s home, a realtor helping them find a new home, and a terrifying pit boss demanding payment for a blackout weekend at the local casino. When all is said and done will they love it, list it, or lose everything they’ve ever worked for in order to escape with their life? Finally, a show that makes baby boomers relatable–– by watching them stare down a financial system rigged against them. Wednesdays at 8!
Just Watching Paint Dry
Our market research shows that a majority of our audience is just running out the clock on their empty, meaningless lives, so we’ve designed a show just for them. Just Watching Paint Dry features a variety of colors and textures and absolutely nothing else! Stream it all day long in the HGTV app!
Mouse House Hunters
1 in 10 HGTV viewers will quietly pass away while watching our network, so we’ve introduced a brand new show just for their cats! Mouse House Hunters helps a lucky family of mice find the perfect home to infest, plus it features frequent cutaways to dangling yarn and jangling bells guaranteed to entertain your favorite feline while they wait for your neighbors to notice the stench of your rotting corpse. Fridays at 9!