Fashion Faux Pas Updated For The Passive-Aggressive Ex-Girlfriend

Photo by Renato Abati on

DO be comfortable and confident. Especially when inviting yourself to a fancy event (like a wedding). 

DON’T wear clothing with upscale brand logos all over them. Except if you’re cheekily trying to let your ex’s new girlfriend, Jeanette, know how much money you have. DUH!

DO mix prints. A good place to try this is in your email RSVP to your ex’s wedding. Write the first paragraph in Calibri and the second in Times New Roman. That’ll annoy Jeanette. 

DON’T copy a celebrity’s outfits. 

DO copy Jeanette’s outfits to win your ex-boyfriend back. 

DON’T wear clothes that don’t fit– unless it’s the oversized tee-shirt of your ex that you’ve refused to give back and if it’s to the rehearsal dinner of the aforementioned wedding. 

DO expose your bra straps. That’s kind of sexy.

DON’T wear white after Labor Day unless it’s to your ex-boyfriend’s wedding ceremony.

DO wear shoes you can’t walk in. If you trip on the dance floor, the entire night is sure to become about you and your mildly “sprained” ankle. 

DON’T listen to outdated fashion rules like “it’s tacky to mix silver and gold jewelry” or “I already told you that you’re not allowed to be at this wedding”

DO wear mom jeans. If you fake a pregnancy, he’ll have to leave Jeannette for you. 

DON’T mix black and blue. Physically assaulting Jeanette is a felony. Unless she starts it. 

DO show cleavage. It’s sure to provoke Jeannette on the big day. 

DON’T wear earrings. Should any altercation arise at the wedding, they may get snagged. 

DO wear the Pantone color of the year, Flame Orange. It’s all the rage in the women’s federal prison ward. 

DON’T wear Crocs. They’re ugly, okay? 

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