Dear Valued Amazon.com Customer,
It has recently come to our attention that the Amazon rainforest is on fire, and while we can assure you that Amazon.com played absolutely no direct role in the start of this ecological tragedy (though lawyers assure us we were indirectly involved in a myriad of ways), we also can’t let this ongoing disaster tarnish our customer-centric brand image. That’s why we’re thrilled to announce our once-in-a-lifetime Amazon Fire Sale, where everything from Fire tablets to a wide range of plant-based products must go, go, go before it’s too late!
Scientists say we’ve already lost over 15% of the Amazon rainforest, so we’re kicking things off with 15% off every plant-based product in our inventory: from paper towels and printer paper to bamboo cutting boards and cotton sheets. And that’s just the beginning, because once 25% of the Amazon has been burned you can expect a cataclysmic feedback loop that will trigger even more wildfires and –– you guessed it! –– even bigger savings! (Be sure to sign up for “Subscribe and Save” so we can automatically pass those deals on to you.)
Already stocked up on all the essentials for your home and office? That’s okay, because we’re also offering deep discounts on the entire line of Amazon Fire tablets and streaming sticks. Customers around the world can enjoy some of the best pricing of the year, but with an unprecedented 80% sure in wildfire activity in the Amazon we’re offering an equally unprecedented 80% discount to our Brazilian customers. Now it’s easier than ever to enjoy a wide range of entertainment options without risking exposure to the increasingly toxic air outside. Talk about once in a lifetime savings!
But hold on to your pollution masks, people! Because this apocalyptic wildfire has been raging for nearly three weeks, and that means we’re gearing up for at least three weeks of Earth-shattering discounts! That includes discounts from Prime Pantry, Prime Now, and Audible, where you can start your free 30-day trial by downloading The Uninhabitable Earth by David Wallace-Wells today.
Of course just because record drought has turned the source of 20% of the world’s breathable air into an endless bonfire doesn’t mean you have to go thirsty. That’s why we’re extending this Fire Sale to our Amazon Go convince stores, where every beverage –– from freshly bottled international Fiji water to a crisp can of Passionfruit La Croix –– is on sale for up to 30% off. And thanks to our “Just Walk Out” technology, you’ll never have to explain your decision to cash in on this apocalyptic climate crisis to a single human being –– not even a cashier!
Trying to reduce your carbon footprint? So are we! That’s why you can choose to have your orders grouped together on a single Prime Delivery Day. Or you can pick up your products at one of our convenient Amazon Lockers, located in your neighborhood Whole Foods Market! While you’re there be sure to check out our weekly Prime Member Deals, including deep discounts on fresh produce that will only be available as global supplies last!
So cheer up, log on, and be sure to take advantage of our Amazon Fire Sale before it’s too late. Because there isn’t a single problem caused by rampant consumerism that can’t be solved through a seamless one-click purchase process.