We appreciate your business but we think it is time for you to go. We are happy to accommodate your needs, as customer service is very important to us, but things have gotten out of hand. When you first arrived, you seemed to arrive with a purpose. You immediately called the waiter “pal” and began cracking racist jokes in a poorly attempted Italian accent. We were all having fun. You ordered the unlimited soup salad and breadsticks deal for lunch, a favorite among our customers. We must say, we were impressed by your ability to eat 126 breadsticks in a two-hour period. While we felt somewhat concerned for your overall health and wellbeing, we had to keep providing, as you pointed out once again that it was in fact “unlimited.” When the waiter tried to clear the plates you growled at him like an animal and demanded to see a menu.

While our company’s motto is “When you’re here, you’re family,” we do not mean it literally. Asking us to sign adoption papers was a red flag for our legal team. Your response of ordering the never-ending pasta bowl has created months of chaos. Looking back, we should not have allowed you to request a twelve-top table for one person. We also regret the lack of questioning on our part when you rolled in two oversized suitcases and an air mattress. The so-called bunker that you have set up under table 5 has become a disturbance. Our wait staff battles daily over whose turn it is to take that section, as they all try to avoid your demands of more fettuccini Alfredo.

Every time we try to bring you the bill you refuse. When we threaten to call the police, you try to serve us papers that falsify our claim of a true never-ending pasta bowl. You must understand that when we added this option to the menu we did not intend for anyone to take up residence in one of our restaurants. We love your enthusiasm for our food and atmosphere, but it is time for your dining experience to end. As to not disappoint a very loyal customer we can offer you a free desert of your choice, to go. Please take the bottle of urine you’ve been relieving yourself in over the past few months with you when you leave. It is a sanitary issue.