Why My Deli Stocks Each Of Its 67 Unique Brands Of Bottled Coffee

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1.     La Colombe Iced Latte: it has name recognition and is one of the few canned lattes that remain blended in the can. Bonus points for advanced sipping technology.

2.     Chameleon Cold Brew, various flavors: this brand comes in a glass jar, which implies rarity in this plastic and aluminum-addled world, and therefore a higher value of its internal contents. Also, like, a lizard on the front. Cute.

3.     Starbucks Iced Coffee: Because even the deli knows there is no ethical consumption under capitalism.

4.     High Brew Triple Shot Espresso: I think the man who works the counter enjoys seeing me take the first sip of this and see the spirits behind my eyes vanish into a dark room, as I become one with the caffeine. Also, an aesthetic bottle.

5-60. Various cold brews that go by names like “Rise” or “Fight” or “Revolution” or “Empower”: these are coffees that want you to think that the 8-16 ounces of brown liquid you are about to consume will do more than just wake you up. They will awaken a beast inside of you, capable of overthrowing governments or redefining the status quo. These drinks will transform you into the most advanced version of yourself, one without fear or self-doubt, one who has been lying dormant inside of you for your entire life, just waiting to be prompted. Your full potential can finally be realized, your power harnessed, and your greatness acknowledged. These drinks also make you have to poop at work. These “move inventory” at the deli, in more than one type of way.

61. Blue Bottle New Orleans Iced Coffee: it comes in a little milk carton, isn’t that quirky? And the deli drink section loves quirky.

62. Health-Ade Kombucha: while not technically a coffee, this drink gives off a vibe of “hey, we get that you are gentrifiers, but we will still accept your cold hard cash.” Respectfully, if not slightly suspiciously.

63. Dunkin’ Donuts Iced Coffee: this cup of milk and sugar, with a light suggestion of coffee extract, is on sale to balance out the uppity dynamic that the aforementioned kombucha provides. It reminds the deli-goer that they are in a sacred place, by the people, and for the people.

64. Grady’s Cold Brew: sold only because cocaine was outlawed in the United States by the Harrison Narcotics Act of 1914.

65. Califia Black Label Cold Brew: The last guy I saw stocking this drink was looking at the bottle like a long-lost lover. And I get that the girl on the label is pretty, but I did a face mask last night and it really feels like no one is noticing?

66. Stōk Black Cold Brew: that little line above the o? Called a macron. Worth the Google.

67. The deli’s own iced coffee: because nothing says “responsible consumer” quite like a plastic cup, lid, straw, straw cover, four napkins, a receipt, and an inexplicable extra brown bag to come with your morning coffee. Bottoms up! (But not really because the lid doesn’t really fit the cup and you will spill on your new white dress. Should’ve just gone with the La Colombe, huh?) 

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