Not many people can say this, but I’m a happy and fulfilled 29-year-old woman. I know it’s kind of tacky for me to brag about how awesome my life is. But if I’m being honest, I know my Instagram story really does the bragging for me. After all, would somebody who is unhappy post a daily boomerang of clinking glasses?
I’m blessed to have the just best group of girlfriends who I’ve known since high school. We love to get together and get a little wild whenever we’ve got something to celebrate. Just in the last year, Chelsea got married, Anna finished grad school, and Liz bought her first house! It’s just a fun little routine we have: we go out to our favorite wine bar, order some rosé, and then I make them all clink their glasses together so that I have video evidence proving that I have at least three friends! Sometimes it takes two or three or seven times for me to get the boomerang just right and Liz does this hilarious routine where she says I’m “addicted to external validation” and that she “doesn’t really like rosé.” Girl, you so cray. Of course you do! Have you not seen my Insta story? You love it.
Recently, I tried to get the gang together to drink some rosé to celebrate my most recent accomplishment: scoring 20% off at Ulta Beauty. (Hello charcoal mask night!) Unfortunately, with them all being married or partnered, and having careers, and Anna having a kid, they’re a little busy and can’t always make time to clink wine glasses with me or even respond to my texts. But I get it! I too have an amazing job as a barista at a drive-thru coffee kiosk and am so lucky to have the best co-workers! Most of them aren’t 21 yet, so I am also super popular around “the office” as the official supplier of wine. (Shh!) In exchange for me buying them alcohol, my fellow baristas are always happy to clink wine glasses with me for my Instagram story. Surely you saw when I uploaded that sweet boomerang of me chillin’ with my work chicas, sippin’ rosé at 2 pm on a Wednesday. Isn’t that enough proof that I have, like, the best job and work friends ever?
I hate to humblebrag, but another thing I have that fulfills me is my charity work with the homeless. Just last night, I met the most amazing homeless gentleman who went by the moniker “Tater.” Isn’t that fun? I literally made Tater’s night by offering him $7 in exchange for a quick boomerang of us clinking glasses of Olde English malt liquor. (Tater, unfortunately, was not a fan of rosé. He said that it contained nanites that the government could use to spy on my menstrual cycle. I just love hearing his hilarious stories!) Of course, before filming the boomerang, I made Tater take off his little grubby fingerless bum gloves and gave him a little improv-style manicure on his right hand. (Thanks 20% off at Ulta!) So although you can’t really see anything but Tater’s hand, you can definitely tell I’m out drinking alcohol with a Mystery Man. Do I have a secret boyfriend or am I just enjoying a casual hook-up? Tune into tomorrow’s glass-clinking Insta story for more plot twists!
Life is a party and I never want to stop enjoying it. Even when I’m at home alone, I make sure to find a way to get in my daily glass clink boomerang. I’m fortunate to be a creative person. For example, a few times I’ve duct-taped a glass of Two Buck Chuck to the hand of a life-size cardboard cutout of Robert Pattinson I found in a dumpster. Getting the camera angle on that shot was a lot of work, but so worth it to show that I have a hip, fun apartment that people want to visit. Not only can you tell it’s my apartment by my boho couture decor, but I also geo-tagged the post with my address!
So the next time my mom tells me she’s worried I “don’t have marketable skills”, or that bitch Liz says she’s “genuinely concerned about my behavior,” I will just pull up Instagram and shove my phone in their dumb faces. There is literally a factual, daily record of how amazing and fun I am and you can’t argue with the number of views. Cheers!