Being a Movie Studio Executive in the current climate, you have to be “Woke,” and lucky for me I suffer from chronic Insomnia due to a raging cocaine addiction. For instance, I agree that the lack of representation behind the camera in Hollywood is, “not very good.” That’s why we here at this studio plan on changing that. No, we’re not hiring more women to direct our films. That would be cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, my man. As any true Ghostbusters fan knows, women are absolutely terrifying in person and putting one in a position of power will no doubt shrink our collective penises. Instead, we’ve hired adorable animals from viral internet videos to make their directorial debuts for us in 2020!
First, we have the adorable duo of Toby, The Baby Yellow Duck, and Bobo, The Baby Bengal Tiger!
I’ll admit, Leslye Headland did a fine job on the hit Netflix series, Russian Doll. The way she was able to balance the darkly comedic, dramatic and metaphysical elements of the show was great. That being said, I’m not one to spread rumors, but rumor has it, she was a complete tyrant on set. I heard she was literally telling her actors what to say, where to stand and what to feel! Just because she’s a woman with the magical ability to bring new, wet life into this world, doesn’t mean she gets to dictate every little moment of it. Not on one of my sets! In some alternative Upside-Down universe where men and women are able to co-exist without any weird, icky tension between them I may have even hired her for our new Coen Brothers-esque crime thriller. But what’s better than one human female director with a proven track record and a clear Lady-Napoleon Complex? Two adorable fluff balls who would have never met if natural selection had its way!
You may recognize these two cuties from those “Unlikely Animal Friendship” videos your kooky aunt always posts on her Facebook. While Toby & Bobo don’t have any directorial experience, per se, they do have over 200 million views across all social media platforms. Plus, the Coen Brothers are two human brothers. Toby & Bobo are also two things. The math just adds up!
Next up is what I consider our most exciting choice: John Goats, The Fainting Goat.
Being named after the mustachioed half of one of the greatest folk-rock duos of the ’80s isn’t John Goats’s only claim to fame. He has also appeared in a series of fainting goat videos. He’s one of the goats! This talented kid will be behind the camera for a new coming of age dramedy, set for a prime awards season release, about a 6-year-old Chinese immigrant who moves to America to become a filmmaker named Lulu.
Now, I know filmmaker Lulu Wang may have some beef with not being asked to direct this film. She was recently able to beautifully depict humanity with such humor and grace in her film, The Farewell. Plus, this story is also technically “her life.” But there is a completely not bat shit crazy reason why I didn’t give her the job. It may be her life story but you know women, they’re always trying to bog things down with boring “facts” and unnecessary “truths.” I’m pretty sure goats are completely oblivious to the entire concept of truth, which is ideal when making a biographical film. You just have to give goats enough grass to eat and they’ll pretty much do whatever you want. You know what that means: EXPLOSIONS BABY!! See? Absolutely no bat shit here!
Then we have a truly inspirational selection: Valentino, The Orangutan Who Knows American Sign Language.
I originally stepped out of my comfort zone and tapped Academy Award-Winning writer/director/producer Jane Campion to direct our upcoming Agatha Christie biopic, Despairingly Miserable and Racked With Sorrow. I know, crazy, right!? In my defense, Jane was the second of only five women to ever receive a Best Director nomination from the Academy. I was like, “Yes please! Give me ALL the awards! NOM-NOM-NOM!” Then one day I forgot how to spell her last name. I checked her IMDB page and noticed that she hasn’t directed a feature film since 2009! I was all like, “No fucking way Jose!” I mean, systematic repression or not, 2009 was literally forever ago! Does her lady brain even remember what movies are? I felt much safer going with an Orangutan.
Valentino is best known for a video where he appears to pass gas and then correctly sign the word “fart” in American Sign Language. I consider this a huge win for the ASL community!
Finally, we have the great Ruby, The Skateboarding Bulldog.
Being as awoke as I am, I was well aware that Ava Duvernay became the first African-American woman to direct a film with a $100 million budget with her A Wrinkle in Time adaptation for Disney in 2018, after my assistant Chad told me. So it would totally make sense if I decided to hand the keys to our upcoming gritty adaptation of the popular board game, Backgammon, to another groundbreaking woman of color like Cheryl Dunye or Melina Matsoukas. But can their tiny lady hands even hold that much money? How are they going to be able to hand over the stacks of cash to the demolition guys for all the explosions?
I decided to avoid that headache entirely by offering Ruby a 3-picture deal worth north of 8-figures. At least she has a skateboard she can stack the demolition cash on. While not human, Ruby is still technically a girl. So, maybe the future of cinema is female after all!