Let’s face it folks: as a father, it is deeply important to me that my son behaves in a certain way. You see, although my son may not technically be an “adult” yet, he’s still a MAN, dammit! And, as a man, I expect him to act the way that a man ought to.

And I’m sorry folks… but when it comes to parenting, NO SON OF MINE is going to blindly conform to the limiting and DEEPLY REGRESSIVE STEREOTYPES that currently define “conventional masculinity”!

Yeah. That’s right.

I just went there.

See, as long as my son lives under my roof, then he’s going to follow MY RULES. And he’s going to understand that, AS A MAN, that he should NOT behave in a way that is contrary to his own human nature just because the dictates of society imply that HE SHOULD ACT IN A STEREOTYPICALLY “MANLY” FASHION!!!

No, instead, he’s going to sack the hell up, grow a pair, and act LIKE A FREAKING MAN, and, subsequently, come to the realization that NONJUDGMENTAL SELF-LOVE is the truest (and only) path towards a life of fulfillment and happiness.

And if he doesn’t get that, then I’ll disown him immediately.

Here’s an example for you: a few weeks ago, my son scraped his knee pretty bad while he was playing little league baseball.

And, well, you know what they say… “there’s no crying in baseball”?

I’m sorry, but no son of mine is going to take that adage literally and REPRESS HIS EMOTIONS (thus stunting his precious emotional growth), just for the sake of conformity.

Because my son is a MAN, dammit! A man who is WELL-VERSED in the humanistic psychological theories of Carl Rogers!

And if my son wants to cry in order to better express the extent of his pain and sadness… well, that’s fine with me! 

And if he wants to stifle his tears in order to reaffirm his own sense of inner strength and independence… that’s ALSO fine with me!

But, I tell you, if he has the gosh darn audacity to hold back his tears just because he thinks that’s how society “expects” him (as a man) to behave… THEN HE’S A FREAKING DEAD MAN, YOU HEAR ME!!!

Because my son’s a MAN!!! And, as a man, he needs to be cognizant of HARMFUL DEPICTIONS OF TOXIC MASCULINITY IN POPULAR MEDIA!

And, as a MAN, he needs to understand that he is not obligated to BLINDLY ACCEPT THESE HARMFUL “MANLY” STEREOTYPES AS A TEMPLATE FOR HIS BEHAVIORS AND DECISIONS!

And, as a MAN, he needs to realize that, if he ultimately chooses to reject society’s strict, black-and-white gender binary and instead identify as transgender or genderqueer in order to better embrace his truest self, that I will SUPPORT HIM UNCONDITIONALLY. And, moreover, he’ll understand that I’m only saying things like “HE’LL ACT LIKE A MAN” because it’s fun to juxtapose that statement with the basic tenets of self-love and HUMANISTIC PSYCHOLOGY!!! 

And the minute he forgets that… then he can find a new dad. Because he’ll be dead to me.

Anyways, I’ll wrap things up right now. But I just wanted to explain why I’m raising my child the way that I am. Because, at the end of the day, the only way my son is ever going to be truly happy is if he ignores how a man is expected to act in order to become a man who is happy with the man he has become.

Yeah. I know it’s confusing… My son’s gonna resent the hell out of me, isn’t he?