You know the moment. You’re in line for concessions at the movie theater and your kid turns to you with wide eyes and says, “Where’s the bathroom?” with greater urgency than usual.
You say, “I don’t know kiddo, we’ll find it as soon as we’re done here.”
Your kid says, “No. Mom.”and subtly points to their butt.
Your eyes too are now wide. “Oh no,” you whisper with a growing sense of dread, “You’ve sharted yourself haven’t you?”
Don’t despair! We’ve all been there, and I’ve devised a simple plan with a set of 23 easy-to-follow steps for the next time you find yourself in this situation.
1. Take your kid to the bathroom.
2. Tell your kid to go in a stall.
3. Tell your kid to take their pants off.
4. Get some paper towels I guess.
5. Squeeze yourself into the small stall with your kid and wonder what you plan to do with these fucking paper towels.
6. Tell your kid to take their underwear off.
7. Have your kid wipe themselves with toilet paper to get any remaining shart out of the way.
8. Decide to dip paper towels in the toilet water because what the hell are you going to do with dry paper towels.
9. Remember there are shart remnants in said toilet because you just seconds ago asked your kid to wipe their butt.
10. Squeeze yourself out of the small stall and carefully throw away wet paper towels because they have shart on them.
You’re doing a great job.
11. Yell at your kid, who is impatiently asking you what to do, to hold on a minute please I’m cleaning up your shart here.
12. Wash hands vigorously.
13. Re-enter stall, this time by climbing over the wall of the stall next door. You will not do this gracefully and there is a 100% chance that you will completely submerge at least one body part and article of clothing in toilet water, genius.
14. Now wishing you had some dry paper-fucking-towels, look up to find your witless child standing there bottomless and shrugging.
15. Yell at your child to put their goddamn pants on Jesus Christ.
16. Carefully pick up sharted-upon underwear from the bathroom floor, and wrap them in toilet paper because you’re a real hero.
17. Exit stall (through the door, dipshit) and deposit your stealthily wrapped underwear in the garbage. Smile at the people staring at you.
Optional: Throw in some finger guns. This will let them know everything is A-OK.
18. Re-enter the stall to find your jackass kid still standing there bottomless.
19. Yell at your kid to put their goddamn pants on why are you still standing here bottomless seriously what are you doing put your goddamn pants on.
20. Wonder what’s wrong with your kid and whether it’s your fault.
21. Exit stall. Tell your kid to exit about 10 seconds later because in your mind, that will be less weird than walking out together for some reason.
22. Wash hands vigorously.
23. Exit bathroom and enjoy what’s left of your movie as though no sharting has occurred.