Transcript of a phone call from the White House to Sweden’s Nobel Foundation, released this morning.
U.S. CALLER, UNIDENTIFIED: Hey, I hear you’re giving that Peace Prize soon and I know just the guy for it. Friend of mine does peace like you wouldn’t believe. Also, he’s got it all: looks, charm, a way with the ladies. And brains? Like Einstein. A very stable genius, though you’d never know it because he hates tooting his own horn.
But trust me, this guy’s all about peace. Got his finger on the button of awesome power, nukes coming out of his whatever, but gentle as a lamb. You heard of Iran? Afghanistan? California? He could blow all those back to the Stone Age, but does he? Not yet. Or how about the Mexicos? They send all those kids to make him look bad, but does he wipe them off the map? Not even with a Sharpie.
Because he wants to be a Prince of Peace, like the hero of that book – what’s it called? He reads it all the time; keeps signed copies at his hotels. I got its name on the tip of my tongue.
NOBEL FOUNDATION: The Bible?
U.S. CALLER: That’s the one! He loves it. Anyhow, in this Bible, some preacher climbs up on a mountain and says, “Blessed are the peacemakers,” and it’s like he’s talking straight to my guy. I mean this boy’s a peacemaker, big time.
Just look what he did in North Korea. The haters said it couldn’t be done. They said, “Axis of evil! Don’t go!” But my friend’s a man of faith. He believes we’re all guided by an Invisible Hand to build golf clubs, casinos, and seaside resorts, even in shitholes like North Korea. So he stepped over the line with that little guy, Kim, and it was huge! A giant leap for mankind!
NOBEL FOUNDATION: Yes, well, thank you for calling, but we’ve already –
U.S. CALLER: So here’s the plan. You give my boy the Peace Prize, and we’ll make big things happen for you. Huge! Your tweets will go through the roof. Your crowds will, too. And the ratings on your awards show? We’re talking Super Bowl here.
NOBEL FOUNDATION: Ahem. Yes, well, as we said, thank you for calling, but we’ve already decided –
U.S. CALLER: You want to hear something funny? The libs think you got eyes for that climate babe, Greta. They say you’re gonna give the prize to her, can you believe it? I mean, what’s that girl done for peace? Yelled at grown-ups for ruining her life? Name one teenager who ever said different. But the Demz eat it up; they cheer when she gets kids to cut school, like that’s hard. Like there’s a Nobel for playing hookey.
NOBEL FOUNDATION: Again, thank you for your interest, sir, but we’ll be awarding this year’s prize –
U.S. CALLER: But I know I got nothing to worry about, ‘cause you’re too smart to dis my guy. I mean, with all the aid you get from America, and sitting right next to Russia like you do? You wouldn’t risk losing that cash. Oh, I almost forgot: My boy wants you to know he’s got buddies in Moscow who’d be disappointed if he didn’t get this award. Very disappointed.
NOBEL FOUNDATION: Thank you for your profound interest, sir, but we regret to inform you that your friend will not be receiving this year’s prize.
U.S. CALLER: What? That’s bullshit! Totally rigged! Well, fuck you then; I don’t want your Peace Prize anyway! I mean my friend doesn’t. But how about Literature? My boy has a great collection of tweets, nearly all fiction – I mean drama – I mean poetry. I mean he writes beautiful stuff. You’ll love it!