by Meredith Oechler
In this day and age, it is not a choice, but a duty to make a conscious effort to save the planet. Trees are dying, ecosystems are collapsing, and the millions of pounds of paper goods dumped into landfills every day certainly aren’t helping. But how are you supposed to cut down on your paper waste if you whip through an entire box of tissues every night during your violent depressive episodes?
Never fear! The solutions are as follows:
- Bottle up your emotions.
Pro: Cost effective. You don’t have to spend money on Kleenex. Well, you wouldn’t have used Kleenex anyway, you would have used toilet paper, because buying Kleenex would be acknowledging that you need it. And you don’t. You’re fine.
Con: Expensive. It turns out, you end up spending all the money you would have spent on Kleenex and then some on other coping mechanisms, like your online shopping addiction, premium subscriptions to dating apps, and unnecessary bullet journaling materials.
- Use a reusable rag.
Pro: Makes you look like an eighteenth century widow standing on the balcony of her family’s estate after receiving a message from a carrier pigeon informing her that her husband, Rutherford, has died of gout.
Con: It’s just nasty. Nastier than gout? That’s up for debate.
- Seek professional help.
Pro: The care of a licensed therapist may reduce the amount of mental breakdowns you’re having, at least to a few times a week.
Con: The sheer quantity of insurance paperwork, medical history questionnaires, and copious amounts of notes your therapist takes about your evident deep-rooted trauma will greatly outweigh the amount of tissue used in your nightly meltdowns. Not worth it. We’re talking about saving the planet here.
- Cry into the ocean.
Pro: By pouring your sorrow into the vast abyss of the sea, you generate no paper waste and you’re supporting the environment. The salt of your tears will balance the water’s pH levels, enhance the habitats of the few species of ocean life that are still left, and restore beautiful harmony to the world’s many vibrant marine ecosystems.
Con: You’re still fucking depressed.