by Sherry Vondy Beaver
Don’t miss CigAetHuma’s annual Free Enterprise sale! We know today’s discerning policy holders have two other health insurance conglomerates to pick from, so we’re offering special promotions through the end of the year. No one beats our deals, deals, deals! We also match all Groupon offers on pre-approved procedures.
BOGO Hip and Knee Replacements
Now through November 30, get two hip or knee replacement for the price of one. Or, mix and match, and get the second procedure of lesser value for free! (Note: While supplies last. Bionic hips are excluded from this offer.)
Do you have spare, healthy organs that are just sitting around? Put them to work for you! Donate one or more organ any Tuesday this month and get a coupon good for 50% off a future transplant. No expiration date! (Non-transferable; does not apply to consciousness transplants.)
Bloody Good Time!
Let’s get gory this October with a bloody good promotion for Halloween. Has it been a while since your last cholesterol check? Give 31 pints of blood before the end of the October and get a free blood panel!
Great Guns A’Glory
November only: Bring in a gun–we don’t care how old or rusty–and we’ll pay treatment on your next gunshot wound. No questions asked about your wound, as long as you don’t ask what we do with the guns. (Doctors fees only. Hospital costs may still apply.)
Flu Shot Plus
Almost all insurance companies cover flu shots, but CigAetHuma goes the extra mile for our policyholders. We also throw in a bottle of Nyquil in case the injection doesn’t work.
ED at the ED
We at CigAetHuma feel great compassion for any man whose Erectile Dysfunction drug lands him in the Emergency Department. Therefore, in addition to all policies already covering ED drugs 100%, we’ll pay the full cost of emergency department visits for 4-hour boners from now through the end of 2019. Disclosure: Contraceptives are not covered on any CigAetHuma policies because of our religious principles.
Win a Walker
Worried about Grandma taking a tumble? She’ll be safe and look snazzy with this hot pink set of wheels. Live chat a CigAetHuma representative and learn how you can enter to win a walker worth up to $60 when you enroll Grandma in an experimental drug trial!
Stocking Stuffer Band-danza
Not sure what to get for your loved ones this holiday season? A CigAetHuma gift card makes a perfect stocking stuffer for everyone in your life who has been delaying a necessary medical appointment or cutting their pills in half. Imagine Dad’s face light up, knowing he’ll finally get that eye exam or allergy screening next year! Now through December 25th, get a free box of adhesive medical strips for every $50 you buy in gift cards.
Got a car? Got a job? Get a plan
No credit? No problem. If you’re employed and have a vehicle worth at least $12,000 that you can use as collateral, we’ll enroll you in a silver-plated policy with zero down and zero interest for one year. Deductibles as low at $7500. New policyholders only.
Here at CigAetHuma, we have policies that meet all lifestyles and budgets. Whether it’s inexpensive catastrophic coverage that only pays if you’re injured while mountain climbing in a hurricane, a luxury policy that provides a personal physician while you’re recovering at the Ritz, or a long-term disability plan with 100% coverage on cryogenic freezing, CigAetHuma has you covered (as long as you don’t have pre-existing conditions).
CigAetHuma. We care…because corporations are people, too.