The Ghost Who Lives In Your Attic Would Like To Lay Down Some Ground Rules

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Hey! It’s me, your roommate. You’ve been living here for a few months and I know we didn’t really get a chance to touch base when you first moved in. Unfortunately, as I’m sure you know, it’s been super hard to meet up with you ever since. (You always seem to be upset/freaked out whenever I want to talk? Hope it’s not anything I did.) As a reminder, I’m the ghost who choked on a peanut and died in your attic in 1912! Sometimes I watch you when you sleep and touch your chest to remember what breath feels like? You remember. (Don’t worry about the guy in the basement, incidentally. I’m trying to evict him. He’s only been here since 1973 but he’s so obnoxious, so, sorry about that. If you happen to see any shimmering puddles of blood on the basement steps that disappear on closer inspection, just ignore them; he’s only doing that for the attention.)

Anyway, I thought it was time we set down some ground rules for sharing the space. I know we’d probably all rather have a place of our own but since we’re all living together (haha, you know what I mean), I think it’s really important that we all respect each other’s preferences and boundaries.

First of all, I’d like to address your kitchen habits. You seem to leave a lot of dirty dishes in the sink for a long time, and I’d really prefer if you just took the time to clean up after yourself. Obviously, I can’t smell them since my nose rotted off in the 1930s, but it’s just kind of gross to look at? You don’t need to clean them the second you use them, but just like, within a day or so, if you don’t mind.

Secondly, I’ve noticed that you tend to eat a lot of peanut butter sandwiches. For obvious reasons, I find peanuts and peanut products in general pretty upsetting, and I’d really prefer if you didn’t keep them in the house. I know that’s a little inconvenient, but trust me, I’m doing you a favor. I regret every peanut I ever ate, especially the last one. Might I suggest Nutella as an alternative? The last girl who lived here ate that all the time and she seemed to love it! I wish I remembered what love felt like!

And lastly, I do not mind if you bring company over but if you do, please have them take their shoes off at the door. Shoes leave dirt, grime, footprints (and evidence). I would not want the landlord to get upset because one of your visitors dirtied the floor and then was nowhere to be found afterward…

Anyway, that’s all I really needed to address with you. I hope you’re settling in well and enjoying your time living here! Let me know if you need anything (spare towels, restaurant recommendations, an ominous message written in your fogged-up mirror). I hope you stay in this house for a really, really long time.

Thanks,

Attic Ghost (Ethel)

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