In this day and age, it’s impossible for someone not to have a strong opinion about the death penalty: is the use of capital punishment an effective system of retribution? Or is it an overly harsh and vindictive form of penalty that should not, and cannot be allowed to exist?

Obviously, there are arguments for both opinions, but as a liberal, I must stress that I am unequivocally and unambiguously opposed to any (and all) uses of the death penalty.

However, as a comedian, I will admit that, ever so rarely, I DO support the use of capital punishment in specific, individual circumstances.

But only in cases where it would end being super, suuuuuuuper funny.

Like, I’m talking about the top 1%-level of funniness. 

I mean, laugh out loud funny. Monty Python-level funny.

But, other than that… Trust me: I am really, really opposed to the death penalty!

Because let’s face it, people. When you look at the death penalty from a liberal perspective, it is completely unjustifiable. Not only is it an overly-vindictive punishment that, statistically, has been proven NOT to reduce crime rates. But even more importantly, it is still all too easy to sentence an innocent man to death. Which is unacceptable.

And, as a liberal, I have no choice but to oppose this heinous, heinous system.

However, as a comedian who has performed stand-up and improv comedy countless times across the great city of Chicago, I just have to accept that, occasionally, the use capital punishment CAN be justified… 

But only in specific, case-by-case instances where the final result would end up being real, reaaaaaaal funny.

And I’m not talking your garden-variety American Dad!-amount of funny. I’m only talking the top-1% funniest cases imaginable.

I’m talking Keystone Kops-level funny.

Like, I don’t know, I’m just spitballing here… but if, say, “Yakety Sax” was playing in the background when it happened. Or if someone was holding a rubber chicken. Or the executioner was dressed like Kramer from Seinfeld. Or if the priest turned to someone in the viewing room and whispered “Um… check please!” Or if one of the chairs in the viewing room had a whoopee cushion on it. Or if someone slipped on a banana peel and said “woaaaaaaaaaaah” while he was sliding, and his arms were flailing…

 As as comedian, I could definitely see myself supporting something like that.

But otherwise, the use of capital punishment is COMPLETELY UNFORGIVABLE!!!

Of course, I recognize that an issue of this size and scope requires a huge amount of nuance. Because this is a monumentally complicated issue we’re talking about. So, with that in mind, here are juuuuuust a few more instances in which I, as a comedian, could potentially justify the use of the death penalty:

• An exploding cigar goes off when they pull the switch.
• They get a prank phone call from the Governor.
• Someone gets Rickrolled.
• The warden enters at the veeeery last second with, like, seven banana cream pies balanced on his arms and shoulders. And, with everyone staring at him, he turns towards the viewing room and says something like: ‘Hey! Does anyone want a piece of this delicious pie????’ Then he drops them all on himself.
• I don’t know. Something with, like, a gorilla or something?

In summation and in conclusion, in today’s fraught world, we have a moral obligation to take a firm stance on the death penalty. Because, frankly, while it is all too easy to turn a blind eye to our broken prison system… as an outspoken liberal/comedian, the world needs to understand just how much I oppose/support this monstrously-evil/potentially-amusing system of capital punishment.

And also fracking. 

If that’s funny, then count me in, baby!