“I Don’t Mean To Be A Bitch” And Other Phrases Karen Uses Right Before She Acts Like A Total Bitch

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“I don’t mean to be a bitch, but…” 

The most famous of them all, Karen busts this one out right before she critiques someone’s behavior in the office. Past examples include how Melissa uses the printer “like a toddler,” how Tom’s use of PowerPoint during meetings “is distracting,” and more recently, the way Matt from HR signs off his emails. “I don’t mean to be a bitch, but Matt should really be using ‘Matthew’ in his emails. It’s more professional.” 

“It’s just funny how…” 

Her favorite way to accuse the office of ganging up on her, which happens about two to three times a week. “It’s just funny how when I suggested we take a company trip to the bird sanctuary, no one wanted to, but when Mark suggested we go to Six Flags, everyone couldn’t wait to go.” Yeah, Karen, because people like Mark. Also, the last time you went on a trip that she suggested, two people ended up in the hospital, and four people quit.

“Can I just say something real quick?” 

Most commonly used right before she comments on your outfit, insults the person you’re dating, or insists you’re not doing something the right way. Let’s not forget the 2014 office Christmas party when she called you out in front of everyone during Secret Santa. “Can I just say something real quick? The price limit on gifts was $20 and I know that candle costs $22 before tax. It just seems like you’re showing off.”

“It’s totally not a big deal, but…” 

Her favorite way to tell you that she’s upset about something so you won’t be surprised when she’s passive-aggressive about it later. It “wasn’t a big deal” when she accused you of adding too much mayo to the potato salad for the company picnic, yet she sent an email to the entire office saying how “someone went a little heavy on the mayo this year,” and that “next year, let’s try to be more considerate of those who have a low-mayonnaise tolerance.”  

“I hate to even bring it up, but…” 

She didn’t hate bringing it up when she complained that the office was using generic-brand coffee, or when she pointed out the lack of attendance at happy hour, and of course there was that time she scolded you for taking two donuts on Donut Friday. “I hate to even bring it up, but I noticed some people were a bit greedy with the donuts last week. Just a reminder, unless you suffer from low blood sugar or are more than 3 months pregnant, the limit is one donut per person.” 

“If you ask me…” 

No one ever does, yet Karen says this quite often to make you think you asked for her opinion. For example, that time you were debating getting bangs. “If you ask me, you have to have a certain look for bangs. Maybe you could try highlights.” Not wanting to look like a deranged pig, you nixed the idea, only to find Karen waltzing in Monday morning with her new set of bangs. “If you ask me, everyone should have bangs. It’s such a good look.” 

“Actually,” 

And finally, a crowd favorite. She uses this one when she wants to prove she knows more about a subject than you, no matter how mundane. Her most recent incident was when you and a few coworkers were discussing how overbearing the employees are at LUSH, when she interjected. “Actually, they have to be that way. They really push customer service in their training. There’s also a lot of shoplifting that happens in the store, which is why the employees are told to keep a close eye on everything that goes on. I would know — I worked there for two weeks in college.” 

One comment

  1. “Can I just say something real quick? The price limit on gifts was $20 and I know that candle costs $22 before tax. It just seems like you’re showing off.”

    And “someone went a little heavy on the mayo this year,” made me laugh out loud.

    I think we all know someone who embodies a few of these *ahem* quirks. 🙂

    Like

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