How To Tell If Your Boyfriend Has Been Possessed By The Demon Mephistopheles

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-When he asks you where you want to go for dinner and you reply that you don’t know he doesn’t get all impatient and rude. Mephistopheles is one of the politest guys around, if you are unsure where you want to eat, he won’t get hangry and impatient or jut drive to the same “gourmet” burger joint you always go to. He’ll list some local options and Google menus to see which one’s offer options you actually like.

-Mephistopheles will also update your boyfriend’s eye for décor. Finally, that “Saturdays are for the Boys” flag that has been hanging in above your dining room table for three years. He might also take down that picture of his frat buddies huddled around their friend Marc, who they all call ‘Turd Burglar,’ butt chugging at a wedding. Granted, there will now be a pentagram covered in what looks like dried blood hanging in his closet, but that is a small price to pay. It’s in the closet, no one looks there. That fucking flag was in the background of your family Thanksgiving pictures three years in a row.

-A boyfriend that has been possessed by Mephistopheles will make the show of commitment that is introducing you to his father. Your old boyfriend still had not done that after years of dating, but with Mephistopheles in his heart, he’ll do it the first time you ask. Now, his father is Satan and introducing you to him does seem a lot like he’s recruiting you to worship him, but it still shows he trusts you. Also, no other god has been able to help you in your train-wreck of a life, you might as well give Satan a go.

-He can actually hold a conversation with you now. Before he would just talk AT you about his day, his co-workers he hates, how Quentin Tarantino is an amazing writer, director, and creator and how his racism and sexism is just a part of his art form that is too complex for you to understand. Now your boyfriend breezes through a recap of his day torturing souls in hell before asking about your day and asking important leading questions like, “I don’t know, what superfood did you put in this salad?” and, “What did that bitch Naomi do now? I never liked her, even before we saw her at that work function and her dumb boyfriend spilled white wine on you.”

-A boyfriend that has been possessed by the demon Mephistopheles will now actually give you a warning when he is about to finish. Say goodbye to the days of a surprise taste of the grossest substance known to man. You’ll still taste it, but now you will be able to physically and emotionally prepare yourself for it. As a demon, Mephistopheles was tested and seen every version of torture known to man, and even he understands that not giving warning is a cruel thing to do to a person. Also, the taste now has an almost sulfurous aftertaste. It might actually be more bearable now.

-His legs are slowly transforming into brown, furry goat legs with a pair of hooves at the bottom. His skin is now starting to show signs of a deep red hue creeping in and replacing his pale ass with freckles motif. Lastly, you swear you can feel two stubby little horns when you run your hands through his hair. He’s transforming into the ideal male body.

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