Twelve Questions I Demand Be Asked At The Next Democratic Debate

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  1. Did Bernie get his new heart from the illuminati?
  2. How much are we going to have to tax Beyoncé?
  3. Amy Klobuchar, are we watching your Joker origin story? This is not an open mic night and yet your jokes keep aggressively bombing. Please say no because the second Michelle Wolf makes a joke about your new makeup, civility in politics will be d e a d.
  4. Julián Castro, how would you decorate the Vice President’s office?
  5. Be honest, how many of you are on performance enhancing rehearsed punchlines?
  6. Which one of you is going to give Ann Curry her job back? Or, a new show is fine too, I guess. The people demand restorative justice.
  7. Fuck, Marry, Kill: the last three people Miley Cyrus has been seen kissing. (No shame — get it, girl.)
  8. What cabinet position would you give Phoebe Waller-Bridge?
  9. Which one of you is going to just straight up take guns away? Because honestly that’s hot.
  10. Should Quinn Fabray have given her baby to Idina Menzel on Glee?
  11. Which of you is my conservative uncle going to hate the least? I’ve been told that’s the electability metric we’re operating on.
  12. Mayor Pete and Amy Klobuchar…are you 100% sure you’re not republicans?

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