by Laura Merli

Dear Applicant,

Thank you for applying to that thing you wanted three months ago. While three months is a long time to wait and wonder if you are the winner of a very important, potentially life-changing thing, we felt you would appreciate taking another 10-15 minutes to read an email that very slowly reveals your fate. 

As a reminder, that thing you wanted is very sought-after. People applied in droves, in herds, in flocks. Your application was but a droplet in the biblical flood of interest and excitement that pounded the walls of our office. Truly, it caught us by surprise. When we first started we couldn’t give this thing away! The underdogs have become the overlords!

We received so, so many brilliant applications. Applications that made us sing, dance, laugh, cry tears of blood, question our marriages, have intermittent IBS flare-ups, and get into devastating traffic accidents that we are still working through the ramifications of in court. So you can see why, we did have to reject some good, quality applications. 

Fortunately, that means that rejected applicants are not necessarily bad, neutral, or even not brilliant-in-their-own-special-way-that-is-just-not-the-particular-fit-we’re-looking-for-at-this-time-place-and-space. Many rejected applicants have gone on to lead meaningful lives full of achievement, human connection, and proper self esteem. Some have even gone on to get that thing in the future!

Which leads us to the sorry place in this winding email where we have to announce that you did not get that thing you wanted. Please take this as an opportunity to continue working hard at what you do best, and not as an opportunity to show up at our offices to plead your case.

We will promptly subscribe you to all future mailings profiling the brilliant people who did get that thing you wanted. 

Cheers!

The Thing Gatekeepers