I Hate My Job, But If You’re Looking We’re Hiring Right Now

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I’m sorry to hear you got laid off from that nonprofit where you were really making a difference. I wish I could find meaning in my job, but honestly it is a vapid existence that drains me physically and emotionally day-in and day-out. My job is a hellscape that I would describe as a bleaker version of Dante’s Inferno. I hate it. But if you’re looking, we’re hiring right now.

Yes, you should definitely apply!

It would be so fun to suffer with you in a toxic work environment, rife with office politics and baseless gossip. You’ll probably interview with Garrett, who always puts on a friendly face for these sorts of things but is a total passive aggressive nightmare. He’s probably just projecting — you didn’t hear it from me, but I think his wife is cheating on him.

The office is in an awesome location, a co-working space with other startups like us that love craft beer and hate 401K plans. There’s this great Thai place nearby that delivers, perfect for scarfing down while returning emails. With you around, I won’t have to contemplate my existential dread alone during my 10-minute lunch break anymore — we can do it together!

The job actually has some great benefits like unlimited vacation that no one ever takes because they’d be “letting down the team.” As a new hire you’ll also get a free pair of noise-cancelling headphones so that you won’t be annoyed by fleeting moments of joy.

And side note, I wouldn’t make plans for Saturdays. Don’t worry, I’m usually out of the office by 4 p.m., so just half a day on Saturdays. I call them Half-urdays, which is a fun name to distract me from labor law violations.

I know, sounds terrible, right? It is. 

But trust me, I know how stressful the job hunt can be: I was in your shoes six months ago when I gave up on my ambitions and self-worth for this job. 

The good news is we’re hiring pretty aggressively right now since three people were recently hospitalized for “mental reasons.” The application process is a little tricky because the company doesn’t believe in job titles — everyone is just considered “a cog in the machine,” so to speak. But that’s not how it feels. It actually feels more like being bound into one of those pulley machines they used to quarter people during The French Revolution, but without the sweet relief of death. 

Before you even ask, yes, obviously you can drop my name as a reference! Or actually maybe don’t because of the Garrett thing. God, I really hate that guy. And my job. But I can see how burdened you look right now, and I’m here for you.

Also, I get $500 for new hire referrals and I already submitted a resume under your name. Happy to help a friend!

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