Upstanding and generic family seeks a babysitter to watch our son, Tommy:
We are currently without a sitter, our last one, Lynda, had clearly fornicated in our bed instead of watching our son, and made no attempt to hide sex stains and empty beer cans before we returned home. She argued that those beer cans and sex stains were “totally” already there. Actually, the worst part was she used my emery board.
So we’re going in a different direction with our next teen babysitter. At this point, we would feel a lot more comfortable with a prudish girl, a virgin would be ideal.
I realize looking for a virgin for pay may raise some red flags, but I assure you, this is about our child’s safety. Honestly, maybe it’s superstitious, but there was a rather grizzly murder on Halloween here in Haddonfield once upon a time, and I can’t shake the feeling that the perpetrator will come back, and perhaps on the anniversary of his infamous act. As a result, we can no longer trust some disposable slut.
Now, we’re not so worried we’re willing to stay home on Halloween, Lonnie Elam’s parents throw a pretty wild party every year. But some dirty whore isn’t going to have the wit and cunning it takes to fight an unstoppable force of evil. So, if you’re someone who considers herself sort of bookish, not distracted with boys, a real nerd, but beautiful enough to act as bait and distract from my son should a psychopath terrorize our home, that’s the dream combo!
We really need someone with the moral compass to repeatedly put herself in danger in order to protect our son who, let’s face it, is kind of a wimp. I can barely muster any more sympathy for his constant bullying. All this is to say, he will not be able to defend himself or you, should the unthinkable happen. And you’ll need to have the patience to put up with him when he’s insisting on the same bullshit over and over, the “boogieman” and such, and still won’t offer him up if said “boogieman” comes home to roost.
So, if the above sounds like you, we would love to hear from you! Just swing by and we’ll follow up with our last particulars, CPR cert, no comic books, don’t throw the knife down because you think a killer might be dead, etc. Pay is three dollars an hour, cash! Think of all the knee socks you could buy with that kind of dough. Thanks for considering putting your life in danger!