by Michelle Drozdick
Greentown, PA – It was a horrific scene yesterday at the site of a multi-car pileup one mile from Lake Wallenpaupack. Although there were no fatalities, EMS workers found themselves traumatized by the state of one thoughtless driver’s underwear.
“It was horrifying,” Eugene Jenkins told nearby reporters, his voice breaking as he struggled to compose himself. “I’ve been a paramedic for seventeen years. I’ve seen severed limbs and bloodied corpses. I’ve seen everything. But this…this is too much.”
“There was a… =a…a hole in the left buttock area. I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Marina Wong, a passenger in one of the cars involved in the accident. “And the waistband…there was no stretchiness at all, it just hung loose. They were supposed to be tighty-whiteys, but what we saw was an abomination to undergarments everywhere.”
Gary Harrelson, a local bartender and musician, is currently in the hospital with his disgusting, filthy, uncared-for underwear. Doctors and nurses have reported keeping a wide berth and only making physical contact when absolutely necessary in order to tend to injuries sustained in the accident.
“It’s not easy, considering his fractured arm and cracked rib,” said Dr. Felicia Patterson. “But being a doctor means facing truly terrible things on a daily basis.”
She went on to admit that despite the many challenging and upsetting things medical professionals regularly see, this case is extreme.
“Several nurses had to leave early when they saw a quarter-sized, unidentifiable stain near the crotch area,” Dr. Patterson said, choking up slightly. “I’m sorry — I don’t mean to be so graphic.”
The disgusting human/accident victim’s mother, Betsy Harrelson, broke her silence today with a tearful plea to not judge her for her son’s misdeeds.
“I did everything I could,” she said in the parking lot of the hospital. “I always told him — I always warned him to wear clean underwear. I always said if you’re in an accident, well, broken bones heal, but this…this is forever.”
Local police have released a statement announcing that they are working with Pike County’s Sheriff’s Office to determine whether charges should be pressed against Mr. Harrelson and his nasty, nasty underpants.