Welcome To Dating App Ninja Warrior

Photo by Absalom Robinson on Pexels.com

You hit the gym religiously. You ran a marathon. You even went vegan (for a day). But can you handle the complete mental and physical hell that is literally any dating app in 2019? Find out what you’re made of—but mostly just how terrible everyone else is—with Dating App Ninja Warrior!

The “Seeing Where It Goes” Blindfolded Maze

Your latest Tinder match is always saying he has no clue what’s ahead for the two of you, and now, you can’t see shit, either! Try to make your way through twists, turns, and at least five dead-end “what are we?” conversations, your eyes obscured by a ugly tie, before emerging confused and disoriented. Look out for that Netflix and chill invitation!

Bro Fish

Here at Dating App Ninja Warrior, we know that brains are just as important as braun, so we’re about to put your smarts to the test with a little Jeopardy-style pop quiz about every shirtless dude’s favorite photo companion: fish. Not only will you have to call out the name of each one as it’s tossed at you in rapid succession, but you’ll have to catch it, too. If you can’t tell the difference between a Northern Pike and a Bluegill, you’ll promptly be thrown into our shark-infested moat.

Car Selfie Test Drive

You’re an experienced, defensive driver who can handle just about any unexpected obstacle. A darting squirrel? No problem. Tire treads? Piece of cake. But you haven’t tried to navigate around cones, cyclists, and adorable little kids while a meathead sits in the passenger seat, pouting and grunting as he attempts to capture a close-up of his questionable facial hair from all angles. Distracted driving, indeed.

The DM Slide

Uh-oh. You didn’t respond to his last message on Hinge — but where there’s a man who can’t take the hint, there’s a way! Climb up the rickety ladder to our 100-foot waterslide and make your way down while trying to block every Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook message that pops up with your bare hands. Wait, do you have Snapchat?

Speed Swiping

How fast can you move those fingers? Definitely not as fast as our supercomputer, but we’re going to make you try anyway (while wearing non-touchscreen-friendly gloves and running on a treadmill). Oops, did you just swipe left on the love of your life? Suck it up and keep swiping! You’re a Ninja Warrior now and the only thing you sweat is your own bodily secretions.

The Dealbreaker

Think about your biggest turn-off. Repulsed by smoking? We’ve assembled an army of Marlboro Men to huff, puff, and cough all over you as you try in vain to walk past them while inflatable cigarettes impede your path. Can’t handle someone who identifies as a Nickelback fan? Get ready to endure “How You Remind Me” on repeat for six hours in surround sound as you’re tied to the most uncomfortable chair you can imagine.

Where’s Weirdo?

You thought identifying your crush-of-the-hour in a group of four was hard? Well, we’re about to take it up several notches to find out if you can spot his mug in a sea of 20 frat-tastic fellows. It’s like your favorite childhood puzzle books — except we’ve replaced the charming red stripes and spectacles with boring LaCoste polos and backwards caps. You’ll have five seconds, and someone will be yelling “SQUAAAAD” in the background to throw you off your game.

Red Flag Relay

See how quickly you can nab these actual warning signs and pass them along to the next unlucky soul. From calling all of their exes “crazy” to mansplaining your favorite movie, you’ll likely get distracted by all of the flashbacks to complete this one. Just think of it as a more demented Double Dare.

Rope Swingers

You’re trying to meet your match, and they’re just trying to spice up their marriage. Move from rope to rope as quickly as you can to escape the aggressive pursuit and enticing pleas of Gary and Linda, our resident middle-aged husband-and-wife bodybuilding duo that gets their kicks from prowling for unsuspecting millennials.

We doubt you have the fortitude to make it through, but if you’re one of the lucky few, you’ll join us for the medal ceremony. Standing on a podium of Bud Light six packs, you’ll delete your apps—one by one—to the deafening cheers of your family and friends and the loud groans of the fuckbois who can’t waste any more of your time (until you get bored again in three months). Congratulations. You’ve completed round one!

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