Hey, you. 

Yeah, you with the white skin and the martyr complex.

Have you always wanted a special uniqueness, but don’t have the talent or personality to stand out? 

Do you ever feel unjustly persecuted by others, but are not self-aware enough to see the inner-lying issues?

Friend, today is your lucky day.

23andMe offers you a chance at cultural diversity. With DNA parsing, we turn your tube spit into a unique genetic heritage. DNA is science, and science is a good enough reason (if any) to flaunt your true colors. Whether those colors represent your actual skin pigmentation or a motley of symbolic shades based on trace DNA percentages is up to you.

Here at 23andMe, we give a final solution to the genetic question around your heritage. Who knows — this final solution may even contain a sliver of Ashkenazi Jew. Mazel Tov to your newfound experience in historical adversity! 

Sure, your father comes from a line of pure Scots and your mother is Amish, but, because all people stem from essentially the same area, our tests guarantee at least 0.1% Senegambian-Guinean genes. Carol at the front desk will think twice about calling you pale again once she finds out you’re Black.

More importantly, though, you may be related to a famous person. Think of all the attention coming your way when the book club discovers that David Duchovny is your fourth cousin with 0.78% DNA shared. Everyone will want a chance to meet (with him, not with you)!

Are you often angry and lose your head? Well, the latter part might make a bit more sense after learning that you and King Louis XVI share the same paternal haplogroup. You were correct about the need to be treated like royalty in past relationships. It’s in your genes, queen.

Are you tired of your current family? Turns out, your dad went a little too crazy in Cabo twenty summers ago and now your Mexican half-sister is studying at Harvard Medical School to be a doctor. Ka-ching! Or, as you suspected but never fully confronted, the Spanish man mom married six years after your birth is not your biological father. Yes, you called him papá. Yes, he worked multiple shifts as a security guard to provide for the family. And, yes, he picked you up from prom in the pouring rain after Cory drunk drove to the strip club. But, now you don’t owe that guy anything. Sorry, Santiago, but the exciting search for your true daddy begins today. Thanks to 23andMe, the questions around your elusive paternal parentage are finally coming to a head. You now have the opportunity to ask your mother about her sex life twenty-nine years ago. What an awesome life event!

Are you all about justice? Or, do you hate your family and want to potentially out them for past crimes? 23andMe gives police around the world free access to our DNA banks, and, thanks to your contributions to our genetic coffers, detectives can easily incriminate your close relatives (or you). The family always suspected Great Uncle Slezzard of general creepiness, but you never thought him capable of serial murder. Remember to send old Slezzard a letter in jail, because he just put your family name on the map. You will be the water cooler talk around the office for at least a week.

Worried about big media buzz words like “privacy” or “security?” Bub, the world wide web already contains all of your personal information. Aunt Sally’s barbecue last weekend looked like a blast, but cousin Rebecca tweeted she was in an “off” mood. We think your liking of her Instagram picture—the one from six years ago—late the previous night was a direct cause.

Finally, for only $125 extra, 23andMe will generate a personalized health report on your body’s likelihood for deterioration and eventual death. We know you want something extra to worry about in your already turbulent life, so we will reveal your chances of developing Alzheimer’s or Parkinson’s disease. And, if you check a box for consent—as 80% of our customers do—we will share your health information with the research community, too. What kind of monster wouldn’t want his DNA to aid future generations against deadly diseases? Also, by “share” we really mean “sell.” And, we swear your genetic data — yes, the same stuff we advertised as unique earlier — will remain anonymous. In the end, you might as well purchase the health report package from the get-go because, otherwise, we’ll email you twice daily to upgrade.

So, stop marking “Caucasian” or “Rather Not Say” on government forms and college applications. Start your journey of cultural diversity and uniqueness. Start doing what everyone else is doing. Join 23andMe.