An Honest Customer Service Welcome Message

Photo by Moose Photos on

You have reached customer service at a large public institution. Listen carefully as our menu options have changed.

Please check your account portal for answers about your application status. If you’re wondering why we’re reminding you to check the same portal where you filed an application, look around for something soft but satisfyingly dense to squeeze. We recommend anything with memory foam. Most of us use the remnants of our seat cushions when forced to check callers’ portals for them. 

Many of your questions may be answered by the information posted on our website at “h” “t” “t” “p” “:” “/“ “/“ “w” “w” “w” “.” “l” “a” “r” “g” “e” “p” “u” “b” “l” “i” “c” “i” “n” “s” “t” “i” “t” “u” “t” “i” “o” “n” “.” “g” “o” “v” “/“ “F” “A” “Q”. You’re probably curious why we have to spell out the whole url, even the http bit. Frankly, so are we.
If you’re calling about options for acquiring a waiver, go to the Office of Waivers web page, click on waiver requirements, scroll to the bottom of the page, and find the teeny font that says “More.” Don’t worry about the “More” link crashing – that’s normal. Log out of all accounts, shut down your computer, and find some consensual physical contact. Eventually return to the cold indifference of your computer and navigate to Internet Explorer 5 (you can probably get away with using IE6, but do NOT try this with anything more recent than IE7). Make your way back to the “More” hyperlink, but this time search your heart for a level of purpose you didn’t realize you had and use it to believe in the link. If it still crashes, downgrade your browser again. Repeat these steps until the page loads.

If you still have questions after visiting your portal and/or our website, honestly that’s pretty typical. We can’t attract web developer talent because an unaddressed sink hole is not an “open floor plan” and government-grade bologna will never be “complimentary charcuterie.”

Please listen to the following options:

Press one if you’d like to be unceremoniously disconnected in what seems like an accident, but is definitely us weeding out callers who lack grit. As we mentioned, our website is trash, so we get a lot of callers.

Press two if you’d like to hear a recording of our hours of operation and mailing address, no matter what further options you choose. Again, that’s usually enough to make most of you give up and actually read your emails.

Press three to step into a choose your own adventure where all options lead to the same ending — an indefinite, Muzak-filled hold. Sorry, we just think this is funny.
Press four if you’re ready to repeat large quantities of personal information each time you speak with a different representative. Between you and me, all your data is shared across our screens from the start, but sometimes it’s important that your life is as difficult as ours. 

Press five if you are locked out of an account because of a missing identification number or other forgettable, rarely used piece personal information required to access another forgettable, rarely used piece of personal information. We call this the death spiral and there’s nothing we can do. We’ll give the appearance of helping, though, by transferring you aimlessly around to different departments.

Press six if you are being asked for your portal password in order to reset your portal password. This is just so we know that Terry’s being a dick again and needs to be reined in a bit.

For all other calls, please hang up and come in person to one of our locations (this is the only way anything gets done anyway). 

To repeat this message, please press zero.

If you zoned out through all of those options, including the last one which explained how to listen to the menu again, we’re not surprised. Our robot does in fact hear you yelling “REPRESENTATIVE” into your phone and will get you right over to Terry. 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s