Oh fall, the most beloved season by all! There’s so much fun to be had and so little time before the 2020 Election shit really hits the fan. No amount of pumpkin spice seasoning will be able to make October 2020 any less miserable, and no matter the outcome on November 6th of next year, you’re going to be too fucking exhausted to do anything before winter. You know it’s true, so get to the fall fun now!
Go Apple Picking and Bake a Pie
There’s nothing like picking your own fresh apples and then baking them into a delicious pie. Most apple orchards also make and sell their own cider — why not stock up on the alcoholic variety to prepare for the entire year of the 2020 election still remaining? Drink up! And, honestly, just go ahead and eat that whole pie by yourself. Why not begin the stress eating now?
Get Lost In a Corn Maze
Sometimes it feels so good to unplug and get a little lost, especially if it means being so far out of LTE range you can’t refresh the latest presidential tweets threatening our democracy. Going off the grid will remind you of simpler times, like this past January when there were only five candidates running.
Scream in a Haunted House
With zombies grabbing at you like relentless DNC fundraising emails, there will be no better feeling than succumbing to the screams inside you and letting ‘em rip.
Drive Upstate for Leaf Peeping
The colors of the changing leaves are a sight to behold, or peep, as they say! Get your synapses firing by really looking at something other than the 538’s latest Iowa polls. For an extra release, hop out of the car, walk deep, deep into the forest, and find a nice big leaf pile to jump into and bury yourself in. Maybe if you’re really, really still, no one will notice you hiding under all that dead foliage until the 2020 election is over. Either that or you will get lyme disease — the ticks are rampant these days thanks to climate change — but honestly why not just allow the little guys to put you out of your misery?
Tailgate an NFL Game
Actually, if you’re even still able to love the NFL enough to be interested in going to a tailgate in person, you’re probably going to be able to get through the 2020 election just fine, so there’s probably no need to rush on this one. Congratulations on whatever that means about you!
Host a Halloween Costume Party
No one is going to have the energy to put a costume together next year, so get it together while you can still fathom joy! Dress up as Amy Klobuchar, Julian Castro, or whatever long-shot Democratic hopeful you’re still excited about right now. Do your best impression of a someone on SNL doing an impression of your favorite candidate! Remember when Trump was on SNL and we all laughed?! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. The blood is on all our hands!
This year might be your last chance to enjoy some pretzels and sausage over a brewski without any drama. Next year, what with all the anxiety you’ll be feeling, you’ll be likely to get blackout drunk, which could really go sideways at a festival celebrating German culture — God forbid you get in a fist fight while hysterically trying to reason with a white nationalist!
Carve Pumpkins and Greet Trick-or-Treaters
Carve the names of all nineteen democratic candidates still running into nineteen individual pumpkins. Place them on your front lawn followed by a twentieth pumpkin with an interrobang carved into it to represent the ceaseless internal electability debate raging in your mind.
Save the pumpkin pulp to make yourself several crockpots full of hearty soup — yum! Store them in the freezer until next October when you will be too much of a hysterical wreck over early voting numbers to cook. As you catatonically listen to Pod Save America, eating the soup will remind you how much time has passed and validate all you’ve already been through, reassuring your weary bones that you can make it through a few more weeks.
Bob for Apples
Take the leftover apples from the orchard and put them in the bathtub. Fill it up with water and smash your face into it over and over until you’ve either made applesauce or gone unconscious. Submerge yourself in your applesauce bath and resist the urge to watch the returns for at least one whole hour. Oh wait, sorry, this is the plan for November 6th, 2020. Hang onto this one ’til next year!
As you froth at the mouth watching Wolf Blitzer froth at the mouth over the latest shift in primary polls, occupy your wild energy by knitting yourself into a warm full-body cocoon with a pussyhat topper. You will emerge a year later a beautiful, well-rested butterfly to watch President Elizabeth Warren’s inauguration speech …Oh wait — JUST KIDDING! This is just a really good dream I had the other night. No souls will be spared the torment of the 2020 election!
Go Canvassing for a Campaign You Fall-Loving Fucks
There’s no time for autumnal revelry, assholes! Did you forget there are elections happening RIGHT NOW?! Who can relax???? Impeachment’s not going to take care of this shit show all by itself — have you heard of Mike Pence? Bone-chilling! Aren’t you scared shitless? So put on your canvassing shoes and go knock on some fucking doors already!