- No one would believe me.
- If they do believe me, I will get called in to testify before Congress.
- I will have to sit in a room for nine hours without the requisite number of pee breaks while I testify.
- The word “testify” always makes me giggle lol ‘testes.’
- I will have to explain some stuff about Ukraine that I’m really not qualified to explain, I don’t think.
- I may pee my pants a little.
- Some old white guys will be mean to me. Some ladies, too.
- I really know very little about national or international affairs. Which one is this?
- Did you know a president can be impeached but not removed from office?
- None of the hot Senators will be there.
- AOC won’t put me in her Instagram story.
- Also, my life will be in danger.
- I will receive constant death threats. It will be like analog Twitter.
- I will have to be relocated from my home for my personal safety. Actually, this one is a plus, given my apartment – is the government going to pay my moving fees?
- The real whistleblower is out there and will probably discredit me at some point, at least for the book deal.
- I listened to that Monica Lewinsky podcast and I know what a nightmare it is to be a key witness in an impeachment investigation. Plus, my hair will never look as good as Monica’s.
- My tweets are just bad. More followers won’t help.
- I hate paperwork.
- I hate meetings.
- The newspapers that write about me will probably refuse to use my main Tinder photo because it’s a mirror selfie.
- Tim, my top match right now, will see an ugly photo of me in the Wall Street Journal and conclude I’m catfishing him. He’ll unmatch.
- He was my last hope. I’ll be single forever.
- Also, I’m apparently not “responsible” enough to have the fate of this country in my hands.
- Whatever, it will probably only get me a couple thousand new followers anyway, people are so stingy these days.
- And it won’t remove Trump from office.
Little Old Lady Comedy 