Reasons My Friends Have Given Me For Why I Should Not Pretend to be the White House Whistleblower to Get More Twitter Followers

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  1. No one would believe me.
  2. If they do believe me, I will get called in to testify before Congress.
  3. I will have to sit in a room for nine hours without the requisite number of pee breaks while I testify.
  4. The word “testify” always makes me giggle lol ‘testes.’
  5. I will have to explain some stuff about Ukraine that I’m really not qualified to explain, I don’t think.
  6. I may pee my pants a little.
  7. Some old white guys will be mean to me. Some ladies, too.
  8. I really know very little about national or international affairs. Which one is this?
  9. Did you know a president can be impeached but not removed from office?
  10. None of the hot Senators will be there.
  11. AOC won’t put me in her Instagram story.
  12. Also, my life will be in danger.
  13. I will receive constant death threats. It will be like analog Twitter.
  14. I will have to be relocated from my home for my personal safety. Actually, this one is a plus, given my apartment – is the government going to pay my moving fees?
  15. The real whistleblower is out there and will probably discredit me at some point, at least for the book deal.
  16. I listened to that Monica Lewinsky podcast and I know what a nightmare it is to be a key witness in an impeachment investigation. Plus, my hair will never look as good as Monica’s.
  17. My tweets are just bad. More followers won’t help.
  18. I hate paperwork.
  19. I hate meetings.
  20. The newspapers that write about me will probably refuse to use my main Tinder photo because it’s a mirror selfie.
  21. Tim, my top match right now, will see an ugly photo of me in the Wall Street Journal and conclude I’m catfishing him. He’ll unmatch.
  22. He was my last hope. I’ll be single forever.
  23. Also, I’m apparently not “responsible” enough to have the fate of this country in my hands.
  24. Whatever, it will probably only get me a couple thousand new followers anyway, people are so stingy these days.
  25. And it won’t remove Trump from office.

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