The GoFundMe Plan:
Do you need to get a life-saving surgery, but it costs 30 grand? If you’re like most people, your insurance is just a fancy card you carry around so that the government can’t sue you. (30 grand is what you’re paying after your insurance contributes. Being an American is the best!) No need to worry, though — luckily, you can turn to your friends, family, and plain ol’ strangers on the internet to make contributions ranging from $5 to $25 so that you and your family aren’t plunged in total, life-ruining debt! Not only will you get a couple of thousand dollars from this method, but you have the added bonus of begging for money during an already incredibly vulnerable period in your life. You can never be too humble.
Marrying a European:
You know what’s more likely than your American health insurance actually doing what it’s supposed to? Meeting one of the 740 million people who live in Europe and getting them to fall in love with you. Then you can move to their country so that you can take advantage of their healthcare system! Sure, you will have to leave the life you know and love behind you, but can you imagine getting sick and not having to worry about your deductible?
Not sure you want to take the plunge and move to Europe? Consider Europe-Lite, Canada!
Thoughts and Prayers:
A one-size-fits-all solution straight from the Republican Party, we suggest deploying the thoughts-and-prayers method before you go to the hospital because of that pain in your side. It could be appendicitis, but you can’t know for sure until a doctor tells you. So don’t ask a doctor! Ask God to keep you healthy and keep that pain on the lower right side of your abdomen to a dull roar. Look at this as an opportunity to get closer to God, and try to keep your skepticism to a minimum. After all, the American healthcare system is going to need a deus ex machina-level solution, so we really can’t afford to rule out divine intervention!
Just Not Getting Sick:
If you can master this method, good for you! People who don’t get sick report the highest levels of satisfaction with their insurance plan, because they don’t have to use it. One might point out that health and wellness are complicated issues that are affected by everything from genetics to race to socioeconomic status, so this plan doesn’t work for a lot of people. But neither does the American healthcare system, so you might as well try your best!
Kissing Your Boo-Boo:
Boo-boo kissing is a famous medical treatment first discovered by parents and infamous for its placebo effect. Sometimes all you really need is a kiss to make it feel better. Other times, you need an in-patient surgery that will force you to put a double mortgage on your house. We recommend trying the boo-boo kiss thing first.
Dying young, while not the nicest of the alternatives, is by far the most fiscally responsible. Dying young might have a ton of negative drawbacks (dying, not being alive, etc.) but think about all of the medical bills you’ll be avoiding! In a country where it costs a couple of thousand dollars to be born and hundreds of thousands to die, you might be better off quitting while you’re ahead. It’s not like you’re going to benefit from Social Security, anyway!