“I was suspended above the roiling magma of Mt. Sakurajima when the fabric of spacetime unraveled. From my thorny cage, I witnessed the Earth fold in on itself and the skies rain blood and tar. Physics cracked and gave way to the festering chaos that swarms beneath our thin veneer of reality. When I finally fell to my doom, fire exploding from my hair and eyes, I only found relief. Thanks, Dr. Jones!”– Dr. Theodosia Darkchild, ancient Sumerian ethnographer
Hi. My name is Gorb “Dr.” Jones and I’m here to help you through your Blasphemous Visions of the End Times (BVET).
Following the unexpected solar eclipse last month, 78% of Americans have experienced some form of BVET, whether it be dream-premonitions of loathsome beasts, maddening whispers from cyclopean shadows, or reports from loved ones that they’d spent the night in a fugue state, molding clay figures of a five-handed horse-thing named Jak’artha the Unskinned.
Needless to say, if you are experiencing these phenomena, you will be completely fine.
Despite rumors and “concrete evidence” submitted by a “crack team of super-scientists,” these visions do not “prophesize the return of a slumbering, hateful God.” Our experts assure that BVET are completely natural, harmless, and non-existent.
Much like mental illness, homosexuality, and other hoaxes fabricated by the Chinese government, BVET are pure propaganda designed to sabotage your productivity and career growth. But through hard work, mental fortitude, and our sponsor’s Lauda-Fun™ supplements, anyone can ignore these visions of a fiery apocalypse.
“Before I met Dr. Jones, I dreamed I was being chased by hideous horse-faced abominations. Every night they drew closer until they finally caught me and tore my arms off. The pain alone drove me mad, and upon waking I fled naked into the sewers, abandoning my wife and infant son. I live here still, eating rats and painting strange symbols on the walls with my shit. Thanks to Dr. Jones, I’ve realized horses aren’t real and can never hurt me!”– Zebadiah Sparrowson, troubled artist of great renown.
You too can overcome your fears!
Start the process by reminding yourself that BVET doesn’t exist – you’re the only one to blame for getting so worked up over nothing.
Sit upright in a comfortable position. Focus on your breath, feel the earth vibrate beneath you. Repeat this mantra: these earth vibrations are natural and harmless. There is no jabbering, loathsome God stirring deep beneath us.
Close your eyes. If you see a festering wound in spacetime whenever you close your eyes, you may keep them open. Breathe and repeat the earlier mantra for ten minutes, or until you have found inner peace and joy. But if you find neither within ten minutes, don’t fret – with Lauda-Fun™, even you can grow as calm as the grave.
Once sedated with Lauda-Fun™, confront the crawling insanity inside yourself. Remind it that it doesn’t exist, and can’t hurt you. Stare deep into its hideous abysses. Into the cyclopean, abominable city in the chasm at the center of the earth. Into the jaundiced eyes of its God, who feeds on our nightmares like a malignant tumor, until It has grown strong enough to awaken and devour reality. Zin tu’un belak Jak’artha, tof sun. Diblarka un Jak’artha.
If you’ve followed the above steps correctly, congratulations. You are cured!
“Something felt off when we woke to find a 16-story monolith praising a five-handed God in the parking lot of Home Depot. My husband Brad called it a “bone temple.” I suggested we call the cops, but he reminded me we have freedom of religion in America. One night, hideous horse creatures crept from the monolith, broke into our house, and held us down while they chewed our arms off with their horsey teeth. ‘Your arms belong to us now,’ they screeched. ‘Have a nice day.’”– Alexander Darkness Ravenway, programmer.
Sorry, wrong recording – ignore that last quote. I’ve had to dictate these pamphlets after the incident, and don’t know how to delete words yet. There are no such things as horses, much less ones that steal arms for rituals of profane communion.
Now, a parting word from our sponsor.
Are you bothered by sacrilegious premonitions? Ever dream of oblivion? Forget everything with Lauda-Fun™, the Fun and Legal™ supplement! Based on rigorous research, this miracle-cure from 1832 incorporates a hearty blend of organic cayenne pepper, brandy, morphine, and chloroform. It even comes in a Fortnite™-themed bottle for kids!
Spend what little time we have left with your family in a happy stupor. And remember: don’t fret, forget™!