With sea levels rising, climate refugees set to begin seeking refuge in the next five years, hot girl summer months behind us, and hot girl fall almost over, the world can seem like an overwhelming place. Many of us will find ourselves uncuffed during an especially cozy cuffing season, drinking cider and baking blackberry pie alone like cardigan-wearing harvest trolls. Sure, SAD lamps can help combat the blues, but no extension cord can let you take them into the woods, mountains, or cute Emily Dickinson-themed coffee shop your ex frequents. Since life can be unfair, even crippling, we at Icelandic Trot wanted to develop a couch that can meet all your depression needs.
So, there’s no emotionally wrenching, torrid reason why the couch exists?
All we’ll say is that her name was Nina, and, according to our benefactor, she could have been the greatest astronomer alive if it weren’t for some wild horses and her inability to swim.
Is your benefactor a ghost, vampire, or ageless and immortal aristocrat?
Here at Icelandic Trot, we try to live up to our company motto: “Be out the door by sunset.”
What can The Depression Couch do?
The short answer is everything a depressed person needs. The Depression Couch pairs with your phone, and can automatically call out of work four, five, or even twenty-one days in a row, depending on the overtime you’ve accrued. It has patented moisture wicking technology to stay dry no matter how many times you look at old Instagram posts and weep into the long hours of the night. Its foamcore cushions perfectly cradle your body when you pass out from the sheer weight of existing, and its WhisperKeep function allows the couch to absorb your most heartbreaking confessions of love and loss. It’s built-in refrigerator keeps all of your Coca-Cola cans, water bottles, and slices of vegan cheese at a cold (but not too cold!) sixty degrees. Best of all, there’s an attached stream of pre-clean dental rinse, since it’s unlikely you’ll be bothering to brush your teeth in these dark times.
Can it change the channel for you?
As much as we’d love to say yes, we couldn’t program the couch for such a function. However, we are hoping to use sales from The Depression Couch to fund our next project, The Anxiety Cocoon, which will be able to switch between The Office, Friends, and The Great British Bake Off like it’s nothing.
What is Timothée Chalamet Mode?
We’ve equipped The Depression Couch with the ability to produce a gentle, hair blowing breeze and emit the sound of wind chimes to mimic the solemn whimsy of the beloved young actor. If you dislike Timothée Chalamet Mode, try turning the dial to Andrew Solomon Mode to learn all about the long history of clinical depression, or The National Mode to hear the sound of depression in rock band form.
Why is there a screen inside of my Depression Couch?
All Depression Couches come with a selection of heartbreaking indie hits, such as Blue Valentine, Take This Waltz, In the Mood for Love, and Popstar: Never Stop, Never Stopping, which isn’t sad, but is underrated.
Can my Depression Couch tell me why I’m alone?
No, but we feel this is for the best. Our hope is that the couch will serve as a friend during the long journey of putting yourself back together. If you find yourself in a good place, we’ve programmed the Depression Couch to disappear into a pocket dimension, like a a quirky manic pixie dream girl that you imagined in a fever dream.
Will my Depression Couch become depressed from my depression?
While depression is contagious, our Depression Couches are designed to be immune to your online stalking, threats against new people appearing in pictures, bargains with God, promises to Satan, existential questioning, or liquor-fueled binging of podcasts.
I’ve fallen in love with my Depression Couch. Is this normal?
Please see the FAQ sections “Couches: Love, Marriage, and Divorce,” “Couch Wedding Officiants,” and “Alimony: A Primer to Paying Inanimate Objects”
Can my depressed friends use my Depression Couch?
While the answer is technically yes, we find that our couches can get a bit territorial, and may act surly or openly hostile to other, non-you forms of sadness. This can range from refusing to open the refrigerator, to playing Lauryn Hill’s “Ex-Factor” on repeat. Because of the couch’s temperament, we highly advise against letting anyone use your couch, be in your dwelling, or “drop in just to say hi.” If you currently live with someone, please see our FAQ sections “Roommates,” “Throuples: You, Your Spouse, and Your Couch,” or “Divorce: A Depression Couch Owner’s Guide.”
Can I tour the Depression Couch production floor?
Sort of! Every October and January, we select ten random Depression Couch owners to come see how the unbelievably sad sausage is made at the Icelandic Trot headquarters in beautiful Asbury Park, New Jersey! Those ten lucky ducks will learn all about our patented foam core cushioning, hear about our mysterious and quirky benefactor, Wiley H Morris II (keep an eye out for his shadow near the upper-level fireplace!), and, after signing a super basic NDA, will meet Veronica, our only engineer to visit and survive the pocket Depression Couch dimension.
I’m depressed about climate change. Can my Depression Couch do anything about this?
While it’s too late to do anything about climate change, we’ve programmed our Depression Couches with 10,000 photos of cute dogs in Halloween costumes. We personally recommend the dachshund dressed as a surfboard, and the Labrador dressed as a Dachshund.