by Sarah Zimmerman

Multiple lawsuits are being fought over naming rights for plant-based meat and dairy alternatives. The “Impossible” and “Beyond” products snuck through before the multi-billion-dollar industries realized the disastrous potential vegan consumers might have, as they penetrate the market. Now, Big Meat and Big Dairy are committed to not getting caught with their pants down and their meat out again. Their legal teams have agreed to the following terms.

·      Umbrella Term for Plant-Based Food = “Non-Delicious Sustenugget”

·      Vegan Mac ‘n Cheese= “Pasta and Fake News”

·      Veggie burger= “Round Brown Soy Splat”

·      Veggie cheeseburger= “Round Brown Soy Splat + Liquified Fat Veneer”

·      Vegan eggs= “Aborted Baby Soy Beans”

·      Coconut/soy/nut/hemp milk = “Rancid Nut Smoosh Water”

·      Vegan ice cream= “Cold Rancid Nut Smoosh Water”

·      Vegan yogurt= “Bacteria Celebration (With or Without Berries)”

·      Veggie hot dog = “Soy Beanie Weenie”

·      Vegan breakfast sausage= “Teenie Beanie Weenie”

·      Vegan chicken nuggets= “Breaded Nothing”

·      Vegan Thanksgiving turkey = “Why do you hate America Loaf?”

·      Vegan bacon= “Why do you hate America Strips?”

Depending on the results of these current lawsuits, the meat and dairy industry’s legal teams will move to try to control packaging next. Ideally, they’d like to see all plant-based foods sold in dirty unmarked paper bags out of the back of some guy named “Steve’s” truck in the Whole Food’s parking lot, as early as next summer.