by Rusty Meimerstorf

MIKE:

Hello, I’m Mike From Seattle. I’ve been married to my beautiful wife, Marlene, for twenty eight wonderful years. And I am an investment banker. Oh, and I also enjoy “snooping” through my neighbor’s houses when they’re out of town. For your information, it’s not illegal. I’m not taking anything. I’m just curious. I may have taken a grape or two from Ted’s fruit dish a few times, but he has like fourteen vines in the backyard. He isn’t hurting for grapes, TONYA! Oh, sorry, Tonya is Ted’s wife. She can be a bit high strung at times. But that’s me, Mike. And I’m ready to play!

CHERYL:

Good afternoon, I am Cheryl. I work as a law firm secretary, but my true passion lies in the arts. Specifically, painting nudes. As of lately, I have been painting my husband’s friend, Max. He’s a wonderful model. I spend a great deal of the afternoon painting him any and everywhere we possibly can. On the couch, in the dining room, out back on the patio. I’ve actually painted him twice on the patio. 

BOB:

I’m Bob. Fifty Three years old. My wife watches this show. she’s the one who encouraged me to send in a tape. I’ve never even heard of this show before, but I figured If I could rake in some green, why not give it a shot, right? Anything else you fellas want to know? Where I work? If I’ve got any hobbies? The last time I super glued my rear end to the kitchen counter? Postal worker, antique stamps and last tuesday.

GLADYS:

Oh, I’m just so excited to be here. My sister, Laura and I would watch this program all the time when we were living at the retirement home. We would just scream and scream at the television set. It was a hoot.  Oh, I bet Laura will be just green with envy when she learns I am appearing on our all time favorite show. Just like I was jealous when she appeared on our second favorite television show, “Cops” She appeared on Cops after her boyfriend’s camper shell was raided. Hi, Laura! Look! I’m a TV star now too!

LAWRENCE:

Hello, I’m Lawrence. I am thirty years of age. I am unemployed. I live in my sister’s basement. I’d rather not go on. It doesn’t get much better.

ALICE:

This is so cool! I’ve never been on TV before. Let me just say, if I win the twenty five grand, I am buying a plane ticket to Boise, Idaho so I can track my long lost friend, Allen down, look him straight in the eye and let him know… Just how big a lying, stinking dog turd he actually is. This sad sack loser snatched a $3 scratcher out of my purse while I was sleeping away a hangover. He just ripped me off. Can you believe that? And then he had the nerve to buy a bag of peanut M&M’s with the money. My favorite candy. What a horse’s ass, right?

BEN:

Hi. I’m Ben. I’m twenty five. I work at my dad’s construction company. Uh, winning the cash prize would be awesome, but I’m actually here to try to win back my girlfriend. So, where’s the camera? Here? There? Nina? Honey, I miss you. I know I’m a jerk, but you knew that before we started dating. Remember on our second date when I screamed at the waiter for not laughing at my joke about escalators? I miss you, Nina. I’m nothing without you. I mean, what else can I do? I’m making an ass out of myself on national TV, just so I can prove to you how much I care for you. I love you. You want me to win twenty five grand? Because I’ll do it. I’ll beat the crap out of these two losers. They don’t even look that smart. I’ll win it, baby. I’ll win it and we can go spend it at an all you can eat buffet and see Hamilton.