Hi everyone—keep an eye on your mailbox, wedding invitations are in the mail!
You know what that means: IT’S GO TIME, MOTHERF%CKERS.
My wedding is eight weeks away and I’m in full-on take no prisoners planning mode. Your RSVP will inform important strategic decisions like if we should provide a vegan option at the reception dinner and which one of your high school exes you’ll be seated next to.
DO. NOT. KEEP. ME. WAITING.
Effective immediately, you are commanded to stake out your mailbox. Everyone received a save-the-date four months ago, so don’t say I didn’t warn you. You’ve had plenty of time to mentally and physically prepare for this moment. GEAR. UP.
1. Cashews (rationed in ZipLoc baggies)
2. Water (2-4 individual gallons, to double as waste pans once empty)
3. Camouflaged Laser Rangefinder 160X Binoculars (with night vision, duh)
4. Metallica’s 1986 release Master of Puppets (available on iTunes for 9.99)
5. Amphetamines (as prescribed by a doctor, actually pretty easy to get)
THE PACKAGE SHOULD ARRIVE IN THE NEXT 24-72 HOURS.
During the operation you may face civilian distractions like your boss calling to find out where the hell you are or reasonable, concerned neighbors. But remember, this is OUR LITTLE SECRET. I’ll be damned if some insurgent gets their paws on this private mail and fraudulently fills out your wedding invitation!
If someone asks WHY you are staking out your mailbox, it’s best to respond with something vague like, “Just getting some fresh air” or “I once killed a man with one hand”. You can also change the subject by recommending a true crime podcast (this almost always works).
DO. NOT. STAND. DOWN.
Defend your mailbox at all costs. Trust no one. IF YOU GET ANY OTHER MAIL, burn it in loyalty to me. This can also double as a heat source at night.
Once you intercept the wedding invite directly from the USPS worker, promptly return your response of ‘Wouldn’t Miss It!’ or ‘Sorry, But I’m Human Scum’. I’ve made this easy for you by including a self-addressed, stamped envelope. If you so much as let the invitation sit on your kitchen table for more than 24 hours it will release a small amount of noxious gas, which you will not notice UNTIL IT IS TOO LATE.
Get it through your thick, dumb skulls: This wedding invitation isn’t like others you may have gotten this year (Claire & Brad), it is MY WEDDING INVITATION (and also because of the noxious gas).
I REPEAT, REPORT TO YOUR POSTS IMMEDIATELY.
Keep an eye on your mailbox… or else (wink, wink).
If you have any questions about the wedding or logistics you can visit our wedding website at GetHitched.net/Angela-And-Dave-Get-Re-Married-3.