- Pumpkin Pie
This year, skip the canned pumpkin goo for fresh, real pumpkin. It’ll taste the same, but the raw, wafting stench will cover up the smell of your bong while you duck out to avoid hearing your mom asking your sister if she really should be having two servings of mashed potatoes.
- Cranberry sauce
Yes, you could get a $1.65 can of cranberry sauce, dump it out in a nice dish, and stare, detached, at the can-lines while your dad goes on about this whole “transgender fad”. Or you can go stare at those farmers’ market cranberries as you consider how society can only move forward when old ideas die. Add a pinch of brown sugar!
- Hawaiian Rolls
While grandma pontificates about you young people and your lack of a work ethic, you can be kneading, kneading, really getting into that dough with your fists. Big words from someone who’s using up all the social security there, grandma.
There’s a $1.59 paper packet you can just stir up with water and mix on the stove, but then you’d have to hear cousin Taylor’s “meat is murder” diatribe, complete with pictures from PETA’s website. The graphic ones. Well, she’s not old enough to get un-invited from parties yet, so guess we’re stuck with her until college. Slip some bacon grease into the gravy for a smug victory #SorryNotSorry.
- Mashed Potatoes
You could definitely get away with the powdered instant crap, but look, you’ve gotta pound something when Aunt Carol graciously offers another unsolicited tip on your fashion sense and your decorating scheme. If you mash loud enough, you might even drown out the doubts inside your own head!
- The Turkey
Sorry, girl, you could skip two whole football games with this one, but I can’t risk you fucking it up. Just get it at Boston Market and drink some alcohol or something; you’re an adult.
We hope these tips will bring happiness this Thanksgiving to you and yours. Remember, food is love, so eating your feelings is a form of self-love!