Local Man Clearly Doing NaNoWriMo To Avoid Sex

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Burlington, VT — Speaking with reporters Friday, area woman Lisa Webber confirmed that her husband had obviously committed to grueling, month-long novel writing program NaNoWriMo to avoid intimacy. “I assumed he’d lose interest after a couple days, like with Couch to 5K, but there he is at his desk, night after night, typing until long after I’m asleep,” a visibly agitated Webber said. “Hard to imagine why he’d still be going so hard at it, unless he’s trying to get out of something.” Webber also noted that her husband, Brent, had mentioned novel ideas in the past, which she described as “interesting,” but expressed doubt that Brent would be able to “milk one of them for fifty thousand words.”  

In contrast to Lisa’s frustrated and listless appearance, reporters described Brent as relaxed —  almost jubilant — when approached for a comment. He declined an interview, stating only that the ideas were coming fast and furious, and that devoting every spare hour of the day to writing was “freeing in a way I’d never anticipated.”

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Burlington, VT — Hoping for some distraction after clocking 1,600 words of his manuscript Sunday night, NaNoWriMo participant Brent Webber logged onto Twitter and was aghast to see links to his wife’s satirical news blog, all taking aim at him. “The one about dodging sex was embarrassing, but at least it was sort of funny,” a red-faced Brent told reporters yesterday, “but then I saw a headline that was like ‘Local Man Still Chasing High from When Chuck Wendig Retweeted Him’ and you know what? That hit too close to home.” At press time, Brent was found ignoring his novel-in-progress, opting instead to tag Chuck Wendig in another #NaNoWriMo post.

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Zero People Following Twitter Feud Between Local Couple In Decline

Burlington, VT — Evidently unburdened by concern for their public image, Burlington couple Brent and Lisa Webber have spent the past week clogging up the timeline with passive-aggressive Onion headline-style tweets about each other, leaving their collective 62 followers bemused and uncomfortable. Those following Brent and Lisa include several kind members of the novel writing community, a few local bars, and, curiously, @pepperidgefarm. “Seems like it started with Lisa writing snarky blog posts? I don’t know,” said one observer, adding that this is exactly why he hates following old high school friends online. At press time, Lisa and Brent were in separate rooms, each staring eagle-eyed at a poll Brent had posted. With four hours left on the poll, and zero responders, it’s unclear whether we’ll discover the answer to “Who do the pugs love more?”

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Who Do the Pugs Love More? – Survey Results are In

Webber pugs Saoirse, Ronan, and Farrow unavailable for comment.

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“Brent went back to his ‘novel’ and left me no choice.”

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Neighbors report “celebratory sounds” coming from the Webber house.

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Local Couple Invents Having Sex to Music, Can’t Wait to Tell Friends About It

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