by Jackson Weaver
It’s the time of year, you’ve made promises you clearly can’t live up to. You took three turkey legs when you could only eat one, you served yourself an entire salad knowing you’d only eat the crotons, and you thought you’d eat some of those nasty canned cranberries. So now you have a problem: leftovers. They take up too much space and no one really likes turkey on days that aren’t Thanksgiving or Christmas. Here are some solutions to your problem:
Turkey – You can take all the excess turkey and ball it up to make a meat man, like a snowman but meat. You can bring it to life if you sing Savory the Meat Man from the Great American Songbook.
Stuffing – If you unstuff the stuffing, mold it, and let it sit out for an hour, it can be used as a loadbearing pillar for your house. However, if it gets wet, your house will smell like the inside of a turkey.
Gravy – If you inject gravity directly into your bloodstream, you may not have to deal with your family afterwards. They say blood is thicker than water, but gravy is thicker than blood, so that’s your excuse right there.
Mashed potatoes – Mashed potatoes can be thrown into a trash bag, shaken up, and bam, you’ve got a holiday-themed slip-n-slide.
Sweet potato pie – This is like a vegetable with a dessert name — there is no space for liars in your fridge. Throw it away immediately.
Salad – If you take the salad and pour it over your head, you can become a leaf person of the forest. Leaf people of the forest do not need to obey traffic signals because they do not have roads in the wild.
Canned Cranberries – They make a lovely Christmas gift that will surely be saved until the next Thanksgiving.
Orca Whale Steak – They make great frisbees, so you can throw them around after the meal. I am now being told that most families do not have this, so disregard the previous sentence.
Apple pie – Let’s be honest here, you definitely finished this.
That Cornucopia thing that’s in all those pictures but no one actually has – Wizard hat.