History lesson. Gangster flick. Wonder of modern CGI technology. Intimate portrayal of male friendship and family dynamics over the decades. Crash course in life management as you attempt to wrap your head around how to find the time to watch it. Yes, this movie has it all. Here are a few tips and tricks to enjoy your experience. Minor spoilers ahead.
- How to watch The Irishman.
On Netflix, remember? Didn’t you get the email? Forget the Marvel beef, get on Team Scorsese, cue it up, then sit back and enjoy. This is everything you ever wanted in a movie and more, including that spec script you wrote in college that was “Goodfellas meets Casino meets Dirty Work.”
- How to snack during the The Irishman.
Okay, the elephant in the room is that this movie is nearly 4 hours long, which is basically 240 times the longest TikTok video. Yeah, let that sink in. So you will probably need to think about some sort of food while this movie is playing. 4 hours? Store bought snacks won’t cut it unless you want to cram 4000 calories of Doritos and Boom Chicka Pop Carmel and Cheddar Popcorn Mix down your gullet to survive. Think about some cut-up veggies, maybe some cheese and crackers. Better yet, lean into the experience, and get yourself a glass of house red and a loaf of Italian bread to pick at like a capo. You won’t regret it.
- How to get chores done during The Irishman.
Unless you’re faking a sick day, spending 4 hours streaming a single movie at home probably means you’ll have to get some things done during the viewing. Well, you’re in luck. You’ve got a ton of time. So, keep it simple, and stay motivated.
· When Joe Pesci or Robert De Niro drink in a restaurant or bar together, dust something
· When Al Pacino makes you think he’s a national treasure, wash something.
· When an inspired casting choice makes you say, “Oh yeah, that guy, he’s great,” mop a floor.
Just don’t attach any particular chore to any of the women in this movie. There’s like four of them and they don’t do too much except scream, pout and smoke. But damn they do it well. Still, follow these guidelines and before you know it, your place will be spotless and there will still be several hours of the movie left to enjoy.
- How to entertain your kids with The Irishman.
You’re probably saying, “What, kids, why?” Well, because if you’re a parent you know time is precious and if you’re going to watch this movie you’re probably going to have involve the family in a sit down. And what better to follow up an episode of Paw Patrol than Scorsese’s latest epic? But thanks to the historical content, you can treat this like a class in Post-WWII America and let your kids rub elbows with such infamous personalities as Jimmy Hoffa, E. Howard Hunt, The Kennedys and more real life mobsters you can shake a stick at. And oh yeah a whole bunch of dudes getting executed right in the face. Might want to shield the children’s eyes for those moments but it has to be said, outside of John Wick, they probably won’t see anybody ever face execute a dude better than ol’ Bobby De Niro. He executes fellas in the face like Baryshnikov used to pirouette. A work of friggin’ art. No messin’ around. No speeches. No goodbye monologues that guarantee the victim a chance to turn-the-tables and escape. Just pow-pow-pow right to the noggin’ in the middle of the sidewalk. Brings a tear to your eye. As will your offspring’s newfound knowledge of the JFK assassination. “Everybody knows the mob whacked President Jack, grandpa, jeesh.”
- How to have dinner with The Irishman.
Quickly. As mentioned, a lot of face executions.
- How to Sleep with The Irishman.
Eww. Get your mind out of the gutter. No, this is about how to get some solid sack time while this movie is playing. Again, not because it’s boring in any way shape or form. Quite the opposite. Riveting performances and masterful filmmaking choices abound. It’s just did I mention that it’s nearly 4 hours long?So chances are you will need to sleep or at least have a power nap with this flick on in the background. Do it. Close your eyes and let that mob world wash over you while you slumber and wake up refreshed and rested, ready to keep on watching, and probably saying things to the barista like, “Hey, youse, over there, make it un caffé doppio and if you over-extract those beautiful coffee beans I’ll shove that porta-filter where the sun don’t shine.”
- How to live with The Irishman.
More than just how to go on with your life in a world where the “The Irishman” exists, especially if you’re any kind of writer, director, actor, cinematographer, film editor, etc. who dreams of one day creating or being part of a movie like this (and if you are I’ll just stop you right there – you probably won’t, stop punishing yourself), you will actually need to live with this movie. It’s going to be around for a while. You’ll have to do a lot of things with this movie. Don’t fight it. Get comfortable with it. Let it in. Let it become a part of your life. Actually, breathe it in. It’s fine. It’s worthy. It’s okay that it’s 25 times longer than the longest viral video you ever watched because of the sheer breadth and quality. This movie is you now. You are this movie. You are simultaneously the young and old De Niro, shooting dudes in the face with grace and aplomb but also popping meds like candy and falling in the hallway, aged and brittle. You are even the calm, controlled Joe Pesci, who doesn’t jam a single pen into anybody’s eye in the whole film, can you believe it? No, you don’t, do you? Not at all. And you probably won’t, even after the first watch is complete, so you better watch it again to be certain. Yes, 4 more hours. One thing’s for sure: you will never not be without The Irishman ever again.