You never know what you’re going to get when you buy something on the internet. The same goes for your Airbnb experience. Here are 8 red flags while you get your initial tour of where you will be staying…

Entrance

“We don’t use keys, but I have a strict ‘my gun is your gun’ policy so if anything happens, they’re in this cabinet locked and loaded. All you need to do is start shooting.”

Living Room

“My house is clothing optional. Sometimes I like to watch movies out here, but I’ll use my popcorn bowl to cover up my sweet plums. Want to make sure you feel as at ease here as I do.”

Kitchen

“I don’t wash the dishes, I just let the dogs lick them.”

Complimentary Breakfast

“I want to offer you some of my homemade yogurt,” You take a spoonful as she explains, “We are very holistic in this house and so it is made from my vaginal bacteria culture. You are going to love the way I—I mean it—tastes.”

Bathroom

“And I love to bathe, but I close the curtain so if you ever need to do number one, or even number two, just come in. I won’t mind, I’ll be zenning in the tub. The running water sound will be soothing.”

Bedroom

“I know it wasn’t in the picture, but I hope it’s okay that I store my doll collection in here. They’re all lined up against the wall so they won’t be in your way. And you know, they’re dolls, so they’ll just be still the whole night while you’re sleeping.”

Extra Room

“This room is completely tiled, floor, ceiling, walls, you can do anything in here and easily clean it up. I mean anything [lingering silence for 3… 2… 1…] and your room is right next door!”

Hot Tub

Couple giving you the tour, “Man, we’ve had some great nights in here. Remember when we had our friends over and Pat’s condom clogged the drain? Such a funny story. Anyway, we keep dumping chlorine in there so it’s clean as a chemical plant. If we’re in there later, feel free to join [wink]”