Funerals are so lame. Everyone’s crying, the music sucks, and despite your hair’s recent transition from chestnut brown to golden honey, no one is paying you any attention.
It can be difficult to get anybody’s attention when there’s a dead body at the front of the room, especially when it’s had its hair and makeup professionally done. But don’t worry, there’s still hope.
Here are a few tips that will guarantee you’re the star of any funeral:
Kiss the body…for a while.
While everyone is bowing their heads to pay their respects, here’s your chance to stand out. As you approach the open casket, lean in for a kiss right on the mouth…and stay there. Watch as jaws drop and silence fills the room. Everyone will be looking right at you! Bonus points if you keep your eyes open. Sorry, Great Aunt Margaret, but your 15 minutes are up.
Disclose your opioid addiction.
A eulogy is a beautiful way to honor the deceased (and a great way to steal the spotlight). After you’ve regaled all two of your favorite memories with Great Aunt Margaret, now’s the time to open up about your chronic drug abuse! You’ll be the talk of the burial and the reception. Who can discuss Great Aunt Margaret’s final moments when you could be popping pills in the bathroom?
Rock an all-white outfit.
Wearing black to a funeral is like wearing rainbow to a pride parade. It’s predictable, and you’ll blend in with the crowd. Wearing white is original and a sure fire way to stand out. It won you the attention at Aunt Jen’s wedding last year, so you know it’s foolproof. You won’t be able to ignore the whispers from distant relatives about how inappropriate and distasteful you are. Keep on shining, superstar!
Propose to your cousin.
Time to turn those frowns upside down(s). A marriage proposal is not only a happy occasion, but a show-stopping one, and by proposing to your cousin, you’ll be the one the family is talking about for years! Throw down some rose petals, get on one knee, and watch as all eyes move from the decaying corpse to you!
If this is a funeral for a non-relative, A. Why are you there? And B. Don’t be discouraged! Here’s your chance to really make a statement by asking a total stranger to spend eternity in your arms!
And finally, try dying.
This seems to be the golden ticket for getting all eyes on you. It worked for Great Aunt Margaret, Grandpa Skip, and your class goldfish in third grade. How you choose to go is up to you, but remember that old age, diabetes, and not being fed for a week have already been used. Try thinking outside the box. Something like drinking two gallons of water in under a minute should do the trick.
And if none of these methods work, maybe just be hotter.