My boyfriend Derek and I have been together for eight months, and it’s going really well! Ever since we met at an event downtown (but not too far downtown) benefiting kids with eyes who can’t afford designer sunglasses (sad!), we’ve been inseparable, by which I mean we hang out twice a week when Derek texts me, “hey want to hang out?” and I text back, “lol yea.” Last night, my boyfriend Derek, who grew up in New Canaan but went to boarding school in Exeter, even told me I can leave my toothbrush at his apartment, as long as I make sure to put it away underneath the sink behind all the toilet paper before I leave. It’s getting serious!
People keep telling me I talk about my boyfriend Derek too much, but I honestly don’t think it’s possible for me to talk about Derek enough because he’s sooooo interesting. For example, he studied abroad in Australia. I mean, who does that!? My boyfriend Derek and five of his closest lacrosse buddies, that’s who.
The problem with my boyfriend Derek is…absolutely nothing! He’s perfect. So perfect, in fact, that everything anyone says reminds me of something he once said. He talks a lot, and I love to listen.
Telling me I need to stop incessantly mentioning my boyfriend Derek, who has green eyes when it’s sunny and hazel eyes when it’s dark, is not only rude but hateful. Some people’s identity is being gay or biracial, so why can’t my identity be that I’m dating Derek, who got his job at Goldman through his Dartmouth teammate Tucker, who went on two dates with my friend Sarah then told her he’s not looking anything serious right now, unlike Derek, who’s never said “I love you” but has texted me the red heart emoji three times? Speaking of my boyfriend Derek, I think he may propose (to me!!!) at his family’s beach house on Block Island next summer! (I will say yes.)
If talking about my boyfriend (and possible future fiancé) Derek, whose maternal grandfather was the press secretary for President Nixon, were a gender identity, you’d accept it, so guess what? It is. My gender is that my boyfriend Derek went to prom with a girl who had one line in an episode of Succession but I looked through his high school yearbook when he was in the shower and she wasn’t even that pretty. Also my gender is female because Derek is not gay–that’s why he says “no homo” all the time. Gender is non-binary, and I’m on the spectrum.
People are supposed to be tolerant these days, which is why you should accept me for who I am: my boyfriend Derek’s girlfriend who only talks about herself in relation to Derek, who asked me to see a movie today but then went to a Jets game with his boys instead but I totally understand because Tanner’s dad has box seats. Derek said he’ll text me later (he’s never once called) so I’m getting this blow out just in case.
Derek says I talk too much but I just have so much to say, specifically about him! Like once he went to Martha’s Vineyard with one of the Kennedys and drove so drunk he didn’t even realize that thud was a woman. Oh shit, I wasn’t supposed to say that. I’ve got to stop talking so much about my boyfriend Derek, whose father is one of the most powerful judges in New England. I guess this is why he–I’m talking, of course, about my boyfriend Derek–is always telling me to shut up!