Hollywood’s Favorite Armoire, Unvarnished And Wide Open

As the anniversary of the release of The Chronicles of Narnia approaches, we sat down for a candid conversation with the film’s famed Wardrobe as part of our Famous Furniture retrospective. Since Narnia, the Wardrobe has pivoted away from the screen and is now focused on her spiritual pursuits. She currently resides on a farm in Sacramento, where we met up. Wardrobe has agreed to assume her former name for the purposes of this interview, but has recently changed her name to the Sanskrit symbol for “Gentle Breeze” or, based on modern translations, “ceiling fan.”

Thanks for being here, Wardrobe. I’d like to start with The Chronicles of Narnia, if that’s okay. You received high praise for your consistency as an actor, as you didn’t talk or move once throughout the entire film. What’s going through your head when you’re making those decisions?

Mostly vacuous nothingness, because I’m not technically “alive.” But really, I just try to tell the truth the best I can. That’s the job of the actor.  

That’s great. I love that. Now, early on in your career, you received heavy criticism from people claiming that “she can’t act because she’s a piece of furniture” and “she’s literally not a sentient being” and “she’s fat.” You were open about the pain this caused you. 

Yes, that was a really hard time for me. A lot of people think that just because I’m a wardrobe, I can’t bring characters to life. Or think or breath. 

You’ve certainly proved them wrong. 

Yes, I have. I used to believe them, but then I met Jim! And Jim told me that they’re wrong. Jim says I can do anything. He’s so nice.

That’s so great. And who is Jim? 

Jim’s the best. We met when we were both involved in the Hare Krishna Movement. 

How exciting! I didn’t know you were dating anyone.  

Oh, Jim’s not my boyfriend. He’s the son and prophet of Supreme Lord Krishna!

The…

The son of God! Isn’t that crazy? He was born on a cloud above the sacred Mount Kailash in Tibet, but he likes the livability of Sacramento. 

Um, wow! So, your new spirituality is … Jim? 

Oh, it’s everything I am! I don’t consider myself an entertainer anymore. My career is spreading Jim’s light. Jim says that no matter what anyone else says, I’m beautiful. He’s so nice. 

Well, I guess that’s nice!

He says my body is for sharing. 

Okay, let’s move on. Following Narnia, you declined a role as a season regular on the hit HGTV show, What Do I Do with All These Winter Coats? Can you speak on that?

Well, I didn’t feel called to entertainment anymore. I wanted to focus on my spirituality. These days, when I hold coats, I do it for me. 

Beautiful.

And Jim. I hold Jim’s coats.

That’s nice.  

You know, you should come to one of our ceremonies! We light a huge bonfire, and wear matching outfits, and—

You know what, that’s okay. Maybe another time. So after Narnia, your name was everywhere. What led you to change it to a symbol?

I just think it looks so pretty! Also, Jim said that my old name must die with my worthless former self, so he commanded me to change it unless I want to burn in hell. He’s so smart.

Okay anyway, why don’t we talk about your life before California. You lived with your mother and father on the east coast, correct? 

My only father is Jim. I wasn’t alive before I came to California.

…Got it. Well, anyway, what kinds of things do you do here on the farm?

Well, it’s not really a farm. But Supreme Lord Krishna told Jim to call it a farm and also to make sure nobody takes pictures of the farm. Krishna also commanded that Jim gets to pick the movie for every Movie Monday. 

Does anyone else live on… the farm?

All of Jim’s other children! 

Jesus. 

We love living here. We get to praise Jim, clean Jim, feed Jim, and do Jim’s taxes. And we pick flowers. 

Well, it’s nice that you pick flowers!

I love picking flowers! We also harvest the flowers, dry the flowers, and distill the flowers into a fine white powder that helps Jim seek higher consciousness. 

Ah.

We also have orgies. 

Got it. 

I get to hold everyone’s coats. 

That’s nice.

Thank you.

Unfortunately, the interview concluded early as Wardrobe was summoned to an important meeting/orgy by a butterfly. Since the interview, Wardrobe has relocated to a small village in the foothills of India where she’s “spreading Jim’s light” and evading charges of drug possession, racketeering, and murder. Jim is in prison after publicly attempting to light himself on fire in a Denny’s parking lot. 

For the next installment of our Famous Furniture series, we’ll catch up with some of those big tables from Succession that everyone sits around and gets upset. Then, we’ll meet up with America’s most beloved armchair, Jeff Bridges.