“Queer Eye,” But It Dismantles Capitalism

A very special episode that takes one hero from capitalist slave to socially-conscious SLAY.

Photo by Nathan Cowley on Pexels.com

We meet this week’s hero, Jeff, a corporate cog in the wheel constantly connected to his phone, who scoffs at the concept of self-care because there’s no inherent shareholder value. He believes that time is money, but can the Fab Five teach him that making time for himself is SO money?

Anthony begins by teaching Jeff to cook vegan recipes to take better care of his health and the Earth. At first Jeff rolls his eyes, commenting that humans didn’t climb to the top of the animal kingdom to eat leaves, but eventually plays along as the two plant an organic garden and whisper positive affirmations to each vegetable seed as they lay it delicately in the ground. To practice what he preaches about eating locally, Anthony later moves into an avocado grove where he sends thirst pictures to Instagram of him massaging the trees.

Tan takes Jeff to lobby for immigrant rights, shattering his beliefs that the economy must depend on undervalued and underpaid migrant labor, all while dressed in bold, printed shirts. To keep their hands free, they French tuck their protest posters into their pants. Possible tension with police is diffused once Tan shows them how to do that thing with his hair.

Karamo, wearing an upcycled hat, encourages Jeff and those watching to connect with their inner child by doing cartwheels that also function as wind power. Afterward they have a talk about how Jeff’s upbringing was rooted in toxic masculinity and how he unconsciously perpetuates the cycle of marginalization. Jeff is so confused he cries.

Jonathan turns his “Getting Curious” podcast into gorgeous, free schools in low-income areas. Instead of grades, children receive “YAS, QUEEN” stickers for a job well done. Jeff is so inspired he donates part of his inflated salary to wipe out a local teen’s student loan debt. Oh, and Jonathan gets rid of Jeff’s overgrown facial hair. He tries to wipe that smug look off his face too but he’s not a miracle worker.

Bobby prevents the next subprime mortgage crisis and replaces all surfaces in Jeff’s house with quartz. He also places mirrors in every room to both create the illusion of more space and force Jeff to confront his cultural legacy as a colonizer. True to Bobby’s work ethic, this all happens within 72 hours.

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