A Guide To Masturbating When You're Home For The Holidays

Photo by Ali Pazani on Pexels.com

by Amamah Sardar

Holiday season is finally here which means many of us will be home for an extended period of time surrounded by family, loved ones, and that one friend from high school who still hangs out at Applebees because they have “pretty good sliders.” At some point in the next few weeks you will be depressed, lonely, angry, stressed, or any other emotion and should masturbate. Here are some sure fire ways to fuck yourself with ease and efficiency while you’re in your childhood bedroom.  

1. Lock the Door!  

This seems obvious but don’t forget that one of your parents WILL barge in to ask if you’ve talked to [Insert name of friend you haven’t seen in 10 years] or if you’ve seen the remote, car keys, or anything you may have glanced at in the last 24 hours. In rare cases, you may have to install your own locks because no matter what, your mom seems to have the ability to barge in.

2. Learn Basic Dental Terminology

Seriously, throw away your old vibrator and get a better and quieter one. Until then, just tell your family that you have to practice dentist things in your room. Don’t say you’re in dental school or want to be a dentist, that leads to other questions that you’re not equipped to handle. Leave it vague but If anyone knocks on your door to say “hey, what’s that noise? Is it the heater?!” just scream “not now! I’m doing dentist things!”

Most likely your family will be too concerned about your mental health to ask any additional questions.

3. Headphones or Violent Coughing 

If you’re going to use headphones, have one ear bud out. The moment you click play, someone will knock on your door to see if you want food regardless of the time of day. When you don’t answer because you can’t hear or are zoned out, one parent will immediately assume you’re dead and try to barge in. Keeping one ear bud out will make it easier to say “I am fine!” or “No I am not hungry, we literally just ate, but thank you.”

If you’re someone who doesn’t give a fuck and can listen to porn without headphones, then congratulations are in order. However, remember that certain videos and commercials are louder than others and if you’re browsing for the perfect video, you may play something that will get the attention of someone in your family. When that happens, it’s important to start coughing violently to mask any sounds. You can also use that as an excuse to stay in your room! Just tell everyone that you “have that new plague that’s going around and need rest.”

4. Yell “Is anyone in the bathroom, I have to poop!!”

Make the clean up process easier by having a clear route to the bathroom! Don’t be that person who’s waiting around outside the bathroom door while your grandma asks if you had a nice nap. 

If someone is in the bathroom (depending on family and house size), just scream, “I WILL soil myself like Grandpa did!” This should cause anyone inside to immediately exit.  

Happy Holidays and masturbating!

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