5 Holiday Drinks That Are Just A Way To Avoid Your Family

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  1. Long Island Iced Tea: If you drink five of these, you’ll definitely be too sick and drunk to do anything helpful for the holidays. Can’t decorate the tree if you’re throwing up in your mom’s seashell themed bathroom!
    Time Away from Family: One night.
    Risk: Painful hangover made worse by forced family bonding in your local movie theater.
  2. The Commonwealth: I googled and this thing has 71 ingredients. That’s right, seventy one. 7 and then a 1. Tell your parents that you’re so excited for them to try this and then spend as long as possible in the grocery store. Bonus: tell the fam to leave you alone while you make it, you need to concentrate, Brenda!
    Time Away from Family: 3-4 hours.
    Risk: It might be really good and then you’ll have to make a 71 ingredient cocktail every Christmas until you die.
  3. Water: Fill up a water bottle you got for free from your ex-bank and head to the gym! That’s right, it’s never too early to start on those NYE goals, especially when the goal is to alienate your loved ones. You can add some time by sitting in the parking lot to finish your podcast episode!
    Time Away from Family: 1-2 hours.
    Risk: You tell your mom you’re going for a run and she says, “Yeah, that seems like a good idea for you honey…are you eating too much sugar again?”
  4. Pee: Okay, so technically at one point this WAS a drink so this counts. Take an extra long piss and just play on your phone for a few minutes. Stare at yourself in the mirror and ask your reflection questions like “God, why do I push people away like this?” Get snapped back to reality when your Dad asks where you went, and you say I’m peeing, and he says “Too much information!”
    Time Away from Family: 6 minutes of decompression.
    Risk: Your mom urges you to make an appointment with her “favorite urologist.”
  5. Blood: Drink someone else’s blood and your family will be BEGGING you to leave.
    Time Away from Family: However long your sentencing is, you heathen.
    Risk: Tried for murder, probably.

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