by Emily Kapp and Daniel Stillman
For all new parents, choosing a name for their newborn is one of the toughest tasks. Little do people know, even Mary and the Lord himself mulled over many names before deciding on ‘Jesus Christ’ for the Son of God after one of their favorite musicals, “Jesus Christ Superstar.” See the list of names Mary and God were deciding on before the Light of the World was born.
1.) God 2: Little known fact: if God wasn’t the Lord Almighty, he would have liked to be a big shot movie executive, so like the classic Hollywood trick, just putting a number two after the original title will still result in a billion dollar movie. Little did God and Mary know that sequels are never as good as the original and it would have been extremely disappointing if the second version of God sucked. There are always rumors of a gritty reboot of God though.
2.) Adam: God sort of fucked up with the first man and his desire to eat a stupid apple. So of course it would have made total sense to try again by naming the new kid ‘Adam.’
3.) Dragon: Quickly knocked down by Mary, God would have thought it would be freakin’ sick having the Son of God named Dragon. “Imagine the sick Bar Mitzvah theme and table settings,” God pleaded with Mary. Instead of the unrealistic power of spitting fire like a dragon, the kid had the unrealistic, lame powers of walking on water and turning water into wine instead.
4.) Lil’ God: A huge rap fan, God had high hopes that his son would be dropping beats but unfortunately came to his senses that the Son of God should be spitting psalms, not hot rhymes. Although he is happy with his son’s album, the New Testament, and is delighted it’s developed a cult following over the years.
5.) Joseph Jr.: While Mary and God were actively debating baby names behind closed doors, Mary’s husband, Joseph, was pretty intent on naming the Son of God after him—that is, before Mary had to have
an intervention a sit down with Joseph like a biblical Maury Povich to get it through his thick skull that he was not, in fact, the father. After this revelation, Joseph Jr. was immediately scrapped.
6.) Banjo: With the majority of the other little boys in Jerusalem all being named Simon, Joseph, or the always sassy Lazarus, Mary wanted to opt for something a bit more “you-nique” with the name Banjo, like being the King of the Jews wasn’t enough for the kid. Mary said it was important to her that she was able to call out her “child’s name at the village playground [a pile of moldy hay and a watering hole] and not have 25 kids named Lazarus stampeding her begging for fruit snacks.” God turned her off of Banjo by claiming he’d probably be bullied.
7.) Jamie: While Mary had a pretty good hunch that Jesus was a boy, she still wanted to have a unisex name picked out in case the baby was a girl. Jamie was perfect because it worked well for a sweet baby boy who would be publicly murdered for his beliefs as an adult, or an angelic baby girl who would have been publicly murdered simply for being a woman! God shut it down when he made the association with Jamie Lee Curtis and those Activia commercials.
8.) Cancún: No married couple expecting a baby can forget the location where they first fornicated and conceived their child, and Mary and God are no different! Whenever they looked into their child’s eyes and said, “Cancún,” the couple wanted to think back to their romantic, passionate weekend getaway drinking jumbo margaritas, wearing their matching ‘I ♡ Mexico’ T-shirts, and clinking their double-D bikini-themed shot glasses in a place that’s so near and dear to their hearts. But then Judas pointed out that their son would be “King of Israel not King of trashy honeymoon destinations” and it was rejected.
In the end, the iconic name “Jesus” was selected and the rest was history. Mary and God hope that new parents will be able to put their discarded names to use if they’re expecting a little one themselves! But whether they decide to use the names or not, everyone knows they’ll treat their kid like they’re the second coming of Christ anyway.