The Work-From-Home Office Christmas Party

Photo by Tim Savage on
  • Instead of cringing through your boss’ speech about how you’re all family, you see the portrait of your actual family in the living room and wonder what your parents would say if they knew you haven’t changed out of your pajama bottoms in three days.
  • Instead of getting stuck saying “see you tomorrow, happy holidays” to everyone individually on your way out, you get stuck trying to coax your cat to take his medicine.  
  • Instead of wearing a Santa hat and greeting people with “Ho, ho, ho!”, you maintain your dignity.
  • Instead of accidentally walking in on two coworkers making out, you accidentally walk in on your roommate masturbating.
  • Instead of standing around and checking your phone to see how much longer you have to stay pretending to have a good time, you sit on the couch and check your phone to see how much longer you have to pretend that you’re working.
  • Instead of losing the office’s ugly Christmas sweater contest for the 4th year in a row to Joanne and her unbeatable light-up sweater, you finally win one. Sure, it’s technically by default, but still a ‘W’ nonetheless.
  • Instead of feeling obligated to laugh at an executive’s joke about how you can’t say “Merry Christmas” anymore, you can remain as invisible to them as you are the other 364 days of the year.
  • Instead of having to hear your drunk coworkers shout an ear-splitting rendition of “All I Want For Christmas Is You,” you have to hear your drunk neighbors shout an ear-splitting rendition of “All I Want For Christmas Is You.”
  • Instead of bringing in your famous gingerbread cookies for everyone to enjoy, you only make the dough before realizing you don’t have to prove anything to anyone by actually making the cookies, so you start eating the dough, immediately get a stomachache, and let the rest go bad as your writhe in pain on the couch.  
  • Instead of struggling to think of something to talk about other than work, you don’t say anything to anyone. You haven’t spoken to anyone in three days, other than yelling “oh, sorry!” to your roommate when you walked in on him masturbating.
  • Instead of receiving a mass email featuring a cheesy video of senior management singing “Jingle Bells” with their heads are superimposed on elf bodies, you—no, wait, you still get that.
  • Instead of reminiscing with your coworkers about hilarious antics from past holiday parties, you remember two Christmases have passed since you promised yourself you’d find a new job.  
  • Instead of participating in your team’s white elephant gift exchange, you stare angrily at the miniature bust of Mozart you got at your last white elephant party that you really wanted to unload on someone.
  • You’re still stuck fixing Justin’s work.
  • Instead of being treated to a nice dinner on the company, you Venmo your roommate $5 and heat up one of his frozen meals, trying not to think about how you walked in on him masturbating earlier.
  • Instead of having a couple eggnogs and talking a little too loudly about how much you hate your coworker Joanne, you can scream it completely sober as much as you want, like any other day.
  • Instead of being miserable around other people, you’re miserable all on your own.

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