Shhh, kids, mommy can’t pay attention to you right now. Can’t you see she’s still working on the family holiday cards? Mommy never did holiday cards before she had kids. But now she sees them as her duty, a word she says softly to herself as Olivia Coleman. In The Crown, not Fleabag. Okay, fine, maybe in The Favourite. 

Bedtime stories? Not tonight, bunnies! Mommy is online picking a whimsically tasteful template into which she will place some whimsically tasteful photos of your happy faces. Because bribery works and so does threatening to THROW THE GODDAMN IPADS OUT THE WINDOW IF YOU DON’T SMILE FOR THE CAMERA SWEET LORD HAVE YOU NO SOUL??

Mommy was a little shouty this evening, but don’t worry, her madness ‘tis but seasonal. She’s ginning up some gems for the family newsletter, although, thanks to Mommy’s Instagram stories, the newsletter’s not exactly news to anyone, except Aunt Betty in Ithaca, who’s only on Facebook and will complain about the small font anyway. Nevertheless, Mommy persists!

Just a few more days, kids, and Mommy will be done. Yes, she could forgo handwritten addresses for printer labels, but what do you think she is, an animal? History was not made by those who did nothing. And you know what Aunt Betty says:  in for a penny, in for a pound. Although maybe she’ll throw in the towel next year when Aunt Betty is dead.

Yes, she’s so thoughtful, your mother. No, not so much with tonight’s dinner. Or last night’s. Come to think of it, it’s been quite the breakfast-for-dinner month. But how about those personal notes on every.last.holiday.card, huh?! Each ‘miss you, xoxo’ the embodiment of holiday spirit, gratitude, and carpal tunnel. Mommy picks up her Sharpie and thinks of England.