Bean Day Resolutions For People Who Do Not Celebrate New Year’s

  1. Campaign to change the name to Legume Day.
  2. Trick people into thinking you have tofu by using British instead of American English pronunciation when saying, “I have been cured.”
  3. Exploit the power of subconscious suggestion to win more jumping bean contests by piping Van Halen music into the beans’ rooms while they sleep.
  4. Guess the number of beans in a jar without using calculus.
  5. Angrily castigate those who call beans the musical fruit, reminding them that beans don’t cause flatulence; intestines do.
  6. Put beans in fewer people’s ears.
  7. Come up with a plausible reason for changing the name to Legume Day.
  8. Explain to people as often as is necessary to make them understand that just because the phrase ‘giant beanstalk’ has the word ‘giant’ in it doesn’t mean it makes sense for an abnormally large individual to take up residence in the leafy part of a bean plant.
  9. Tune the string beans.
  10. To avoid another water-and-fertilizer incident, distinguish more carefully between “human bein’” and “human bean” during introductions.

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