Good morning, officemates! Beautiful morning, don’t you think? The perfect start to another day of mutual cooperation and respect in our shared space!
Huh. That’s strange. I’m looking at my desk caddy, where I keep my pen. But my pen? Is not there?
Where could my pen be?
What a fun mystery! For me to now to solve! With my valuable time! And to be having a positive attitude about it! Despite it being a huge inconvenience!
It’s actually quite interesting to me that my pen is not in the place that is dedicated to its storage, especially considering that I put it there every day? Where it belongs? And the only way it could be missing is if one of you took it? Without permission?
Officemates, I can’t help but wonder (in the spirit of cooperation, of course!): Has anyone seen my pen?
Silence? No answers? Very interesting, teammates! What a cool and neat reaction, that no one is even looking at me or acknowledging the problem I am having!
I’m sure, then, that no one would mind if we, perhaps, performed a little investigation?
Jeff! You’re suspect numero uno, aren’t you, buddy? If I say it in Spanish, it’s less outwardly menacing, ha ha! So, pal, have you seen my pen? Ohhhh, you’re on the phone. Forgive me! It appears that YOU have the supplies YOU need to be productive today! Good for you!
Okay, let’s pivot, then, to Janeane. My dear Janeane. Treasured colleague! Closet kleptomaniac? Ha! Sarcasm! But imagine if you were, though? For instance, like, when you took my nut butter sandwich? From the fridge? Last Thursday?
Oh, you haven’t seen my pen, Janeane? Of course I believe you! Why WOULDN’T I believe you? I certainly do trust your words! Over your reputation!
Yo, Darren! Bro! How’s the ceramics class going, my man? Yes, I AM genuinely interested in your life, Darren! By the way, my dude, my boy—you didn’t happen to, like, BORROW my pen, did you?
What do I mean by “my boy?” What a strange question! Darren!!
Nothing! I just mean that you have a, uh, boyish handsomeness! You know, like you’re very good looking — but also SMART, because you’re an adult! Please, forget I said anything! It’s all love!
So, you’re ALL innocent, I suppose? And certainly you’re not WITHHOLDING evidence! Right? Because that would be a crime in itself, wouldn’t it? Don’t you agree that refusing to cooperate in an investigation is legally a crime? Janeane?
Perhaps — and I’m just wondering out loud here — this is a job for Security? Perhaps we ought to review the security camera footage? Janeane? Would you like that??
Oh, gosh. No, no, no! What am I doing? This isn’t worth it! Simply NOT! WORTH! IT! This INQUISITION is not conducive to our interpersonal dynamic!!
I’ll tell you what: I, and I alone, will take FULL RESPONSIBILITY for keeping my pen unsupervised in a place that is obviously a hotbed of criminal activity!
I guess I’m just being a big martyr today! Right, everybody? Isn’t it right that my behavior this morning is beyond reproach? The office good guy! I am!
Anyway, thank you all SO MUCH for your COOPERATION in this matter! Best wishes for the rest of the day, officemates!! All the best!!!