Finding perennial love is not as taxing as it looks. Doctor/full-time husband Oliver Somuch has conducted thorough studies at the online University of Science to discover that asking these prodding questions will make two total strangers go absolutely gaga for each other within a few short hours. So here it is: the 36 questionnaire tailored specifically for requital love!
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous?
3. Yes? Then why don’t you value your privacy?
4. Do you sometimes feel a need for attention?
5. What was your home life like?
6. Were you the youngest sibling then?
7. Do your parents sometimes forget about you?
8. Your mom forgot to pick you up at preschool one time?
9. Thirty-two times?
10. Do you resent her for that?
11. Want to discuss happier memories?
12. What does friendship mean to you?
13. Your dad forgot your birthday?
14. Perhaps it was a misunderstanding?
15. Oh, so your dad forgot your birthday but remembered your twin brother’s?
16. Do you resent him for that?
17. What do you want to be famous for?
18. You want fame for the money?
19. What would you do with the money?
20. You would spite your parents?
22. Did you just say you wouldn’t share your earnings for their health care?
23. Considering they raised you, that seems cold-hearted, doesn’t it?
24. And now you’re saying you’d pay Maury Povich to claim they aren’t your biological parents?
25. Haha? Oh, you’re serious?
26. And now you’re saying you would pay Elon Musk to blast them into space?
27. What are you talking about?
28. What do you mean stop repeating what you’re saying? I’m not crazy? Are you crazy?
29. Why are you yelling at me?
30. Am I not speaking the truth? You’re completely deranged?
31. You’re saying all this with an eerily straight face? I can’t tell if you’re joking or not?
32. And now you’re saying you want to find a lover that they’d disapprove of? Why won’t they like me? What’s wrong with me?
33. What do you mean I have up-speak? This is just my voice?
34. Don’t turn this on me for calling you out?? You think you have serious problems?? I didn’t even get the chance to share my life story because you were yammering the whole time?? I’m doing miserable? I wake up in the morning like a decrepit wickie and watch Adam Sandler rom-coms to feel any sort of sentiment? Then I go to my kitchen where I watch the cockroaches mate and think to myself, even these filthy fuckers can find some form of love while I try to nestle with my Kylo Ren body pillow and end up rejected? Enough of this?! I’ll just answer the first and last questions because I’m fed up with you? 1.) Jeff Bezos? 36.) Yes, this test has completely convinced me.
35. We’re almost done? Last question? Thank god?
36. Will you marry me?
After interrogation, the next task is to stare into your partner’s eyes for 13 hours and recognize the mutual soullessness. Congratulations, you are now hypnotized and in love.