1. Going on a date: “This is happening, wow, you’re beautiful you chose me? I mean I’m a millionaire, coder, playboy, Yangganger, but still.”
2. Falling over: Friend #1 “Smooth move bud.” Friend #2: “I’ve seen corpses more graceful.” Friend #3 “Guys, focus, please… And Lindsay maybe get your eyes checked.*
* They all laugh for seven minutes straight.
3. Getting married: “Wow, so that happened. We tied the knot, ’til death due us part, together forever, jumped the broom, broke, the glass, am I talking a lot, I’m talking a lot. Anyways… hopefully that’s a long time from now, the death part I mean. And not just because I want to be married to you for a long time, I mean I do, but because you know the other options in a box. So, uh yeah. How about TiVo? Do people still TiVo? Siri can you get me a TiVo?
4. Getting an abortion: “So, we’re doing this? Well you’re doing it I’m mostly just sitting here and holding the balloons. Though the doctor may be the one most ya know…”*
*Makes a knife over the neck motion.
“Oh god that’s not how they actually do it. I know that. So espresso? I’m gonna get us an espresso. Nurse, espresso? Sheesh this must be the one place in the world without espresso! Siri order this place an espresso machine, just put it on my tab. Not that I have a tab here. That’s not a thing. Should be though. Hashtag women’s rights. All right, where is that espresso?”*
*Walks away and is never seen again.
5. Going to a gynecologist: “So how’s that whole area down there? You know, is it like normal and all? Cool, cool, cool. So, I guess I should put the gloves on, probably gonna need the gloves, might get messy… Not like that just like, you know vaginal orifices and all. I’ll stop talking, do you want me to stop talking? Clench your vagina twice if you want me to stop talking.”
6. Ordering a coffee: “Yeah, we all need that caffeine right. Inject it into my veins. I mean not literally, although then I might be able to balance work with my science projects. Oh I’m a scientist, did I mention that? Any who, I’d say you look pretty but I’m just too awkward, and shy… What’s your Instagram?”
7. Meeting his parents: “Mom, Dad this is my uh, significant other. Or girlfriend, or person I know who is a girl who I’m romantically involved with. Uh… So uh, who’s playing? Football is on Thanksgiving right? Like American football, not soccer, huh that’d be weird. Anywho, should we drink? Yeah let’s drink, I’m gonna drink.”
8. Going to a job interview: “Well, looks impressive… Your resume, not you. Though you look nice, uh, I mean in a strictly platonic way. I’m seeing someone. No, no I’m not. I mean I SEE a lot of people but I don’t you know… Alright, anyways you’ve got the job… And just for business reasons your boyfriend’s name is?”
9. Taking an Uber: “I’ve got mints if you want any? Who am I kidding you don’t want mints. Do you? No, of course not. God you probably already have great breath, I mean not that I can smell it, ha, I mean I’d love to if that was something you’d…All right gonna stop talking. How much further… 29 miles oh boy, you mind just getting out here?”
10. Going to the Bar With Friends: Friend #1 “Let’s get a round of shots, Jager baby!” Friend #2 “Wow, I did not know I was friends with a caveman.” Friend #3 “Hey the 90’s called they want their d bag back.” *
*Everyone laughs so hard they bleed from their eyes.